If Canada is #1, what’s that make us?

Tim Paluch

Look at `em. Day after day they mock us from above with their clean, drinkable water and their good beer and their high taxes and their passion for hockey. Insulting our intelligence, ending each sentence with “eh?” I can remember the days when, if the wind off Lake Michigan was just right, that vile stench that is their country would make its way over, causing you to be sick to your stomach. You know who I am talking about; those filthy, dirty, bottom-feeding Canadians. The United Nations Human Development Report consistently says that the quality of life there makes Canada the best country in the world in which to live. As a red-blooded American patriot, I have a little problem with that. How can one bestow such an honor upon a country that drinks homogenized milk, celebrates Thanksgiving in October with no mention of pilgrims whatsoever, has the beaver as its national animal, and has more trees than skyscrapers? Who the hell wants to live in a small-town atmosphere? Not I, and I doubt anyone else either. Give me the clutter and pollution and commotion that is America any day. For some reason, some uneducated people seem to think that just because Canada is a land of opportunity, a land nearly free from social discrimination, and a land of peace, order and stability, that makes it a better place to live than the `ol U.S. of A. Ridiculous. You can take all that and shove it in your French-Canadian arse, because we have two things down here that they don’t have: Guns and Greed. That’s right, America’s foundations and traditions derive from killing people and making money, and no Canadian is going to take them away from us. Our cocky neighbors to the north are consistently shoving their failed social projects in our face. Universal health-care? What is the deal with that? I wonder if they realize how expensive it is to supply cradle-to-grave health care. Never mind that Canada has one of the most efficient health care systems in the world, the real question is: How are pharmaceutical companies going to make any money with universal health care? I’d rather have the most incompetent health care system in the civilized world than spend all that money. They obviously haven’t done their research. Another plan gone wrong is their education system, which offers free tuition to most students throughout college. That wee, little, poor excuse for a North-American country spends more money on education each year than the United States. And those inane Canadians have virtually no military budget. They obviously haven’t been paying attention to America. Sure, the Cold War is over, Communism is all but dead, and there is peace and cooperation between the East and West, but there has got to be some nation out there worth inflating their military for. We do it, and we are America which makes us right. Peace and coexistence are not viable reasons to take money away from the military and give it to the people through social programs. Where’s the testosterone? Canada is not all it is cracked up to be. I seriously think America is getting the shaft here. We are obviously the country to beat, and no one comes close to us in any category. The systems in Canada really don’t make any sense. They claim to be a “Modern, Progressive Political System,” but have you ever heard of a political system with more than two major political parties? Your beloved Canada does, they have close to FIVE. Plus, their constitution evolves as its society does. If that was the case here, we might lose our guns, and we all know what happens when we lose our guns. Canada invades and overtakes the United States. Canada is a land of high taxes, a living wage and big government spending. That should be looked down upon. Can you imagine? A government of, by and for the people? Preposterous. You can’t make money in this globalized world today being environmentally responsible and respective of diversity and universal human rights. Having an open mind and instilling it in government actions is not a smart way to run a country. Canadians consume more Kraft Macaroni & Cheese per capita than any other nationality on Earth. That is the kind of things people need to look at. Look past the beautiful landscapes and vast wildlife and seemingly equal opportunity, and what do you see? Policemen on horses and fishing. All things need to be put into account, and if that happened, America would come out on top any time, any place. We would have to, right? I mean, we win more medals, we have more commercials, we have bigger buildings, and we have more guns and nuclear weapons. That means we are the greatest. It has to. Canada #1, what a joke.