When I was a kid, I had many dreams, the greatest of which was to one day sit in a real-live studio audience for the taping of a popular TV show.

Okay, that’s not altogether true. I really dreamed of having spider-like senses, playing for the Washington Redskins and dating Samantha Micelli.

I did, however, think it would be kind of neat to be in the same room with Bob Barker or Maury Povich. Little did I know that I wouldn’t even need a college degree to accomplish this goal. In fact, I’ve spent the last several weeks making a living out of it.

When my internship fell through after seven days, I was still several thousand miles from home and in need of something to keep me busy for the summer.

So I thought, “Hey, I’ll be an actor. There can’t be too much competition there.”

After countless hours of formal training (I read a 47-page pamphlet called “Acting for the Uneducated”) and tons of shameless self-promotion (I paid some casting agency 20 bucks to put my picture on file), I started getting work almost immediately.

While my early roles probably won’t win me any Emmys, they’ve managed to make me well in excess of 25 dollars a day and have offered invaluable experience.

You see, I’m currently employed as a professional studio audience.

Okay, I’m not the whole audience. I’m a professional member of a studio audience. That’s right — TV shows pay me real American dollars to sit and watch a couple episodes each day. In fact, if you consider the free food and soft drinks, I probably make close to minimum wage for the time I spend on the lot.

As a professional studio audience member, I’ve learned a great deal about Hollywood, and I have several trade secrets to share with you, “the Uneducated.”

The next time you spend 30 minutes of your life watching Jenny Jones, pay close attention to her audience and realize these two important facts:

First of all, the studio is full for a reason. There are 10 million people living in Los Angeles county, but only about 10 to 15 of them really want to see Jenny live and in person. The other 80 audience members are just like me — true professionals in the field.

Second, take a close look at the first several rows of the audience.

Do you think strikingly attractive and sharply-dressed men and women in their 20s and 30s really can’t find anything better to do on a Thursday afternoon than watch Geraldo?

Even more important to the production company than filling the studio is placing the most appealing audience members right in front of the camera.

This means that when your grandmother and her knitting circle vacation in Burbank and decide to spend an afternoon with Montel, they’re gonna get stuck in back, and some bastard like me is gonna get paid 25 bucks to watch a show I don’t care about from the front row.

And you thought this was a city of glitz and glamour. The truth is, there is really only one positive I’ve pulled from this experience (besides 25 bucks a day).

Instead of losing faith in humanity every time one of Oprah’s audience members opens their mouth, or the collective crowd cheers for the bad guys, you can narrow the focus of your disgust and outrage. You can just blame me and my assorted studio audience freakies.

Several of my cohorts are homeless people who have taken to “making ends meet” by watching Rosie O’Donnell every day.

Others are serious actors and actresses whose careers plateaued a little earlier than they might have liked. Still others are in it for the integrity of the job, actually refusing their checks at the end of the day if the material was particularly emotional or inspiring.

It’s truly beautiful how this city works.

Last week, I made $100 on “Leeza” and Comedy Central’s “Win Ben Stein’s Money.”

This week, I’m slated for “The Roseanne Show” and MTV’s “The Blame Game.”

Next week, who knows? Maybe I’ll be featured in the next Star Wars movie.

I’m clearly on the fast track to fame and fortune.

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Ron DeMarse is a senior in liberal studies from Muscatine. Donations for the “Bring Ron Home Fund” can be sent to the Daily, 108 Hamilton Hall, Ames, IA 50013.