Humor: Seven tips for a sculpted beach body



Get absolutely shredded with these handy tips.

Eric Exner

Are you trying to slim down for this summer by consuming less alcohol, less YouTube/Netflix or eating fewer empty calories?


If you are, boredom will soon expel your inner demons. Here’s a list of things to keep you busy and slim for the summer.


Refuse to eat gourmet food you have not personally cooked

Not only will you learn the valuable life skill of cooking, but you will also look like a twat every time your friend offers you a snack. You will also naturally eat less because, let’s be honest, your food will probably taste like poop.


Sign up for too many Clubs

All of the people in your group projects will hate organizing meetings around your schedule, but screw them, you want to do glass blowing. And board games aren’t fun unless it’s highly competitive chess.


Start running

If your demons are still chasing you, try biking. It is a little bit fast, so maybe try rock climbing if your demons don’t have good upper body strength.


Join an extremist Christian sect

From the shakers, to the Quakers, to the navigators, they will keep you engaged in the community. That is, until you go home at night and realize that upwards of 80% of the freshman engineering students at the volleyball cookout today are going to drop out and you’ll never see them again after 6 months.


Start murdering people like Dexter from Dexter

This might be a dated reference, but Dexter was a good looking, fit guy, even for Miami, and that’s probably because he had to be so that he could carry around all those dead bodies in his free time. Not everyone can commit that well to a craft, but you’ll never know unless you try it.


Just don’t go outside

If no one sees your body, then no one can judge what you look like.