Editor’s Note: This piece is a mostly satirical piece and should be considered as one when read. 

Have you ever called someone a “snowflake” for getting offended over verbal statements while also acting as a champion of the First Amendment but then demand an entire newsroom gets defunded over an opinion piece that hurt your feelings? Have you ever thought personal privacy is integral but put your nose in the business of same-sex relationships like it has anything to do with you? Do you expect people to call you by your name and correct gender but can’t understand why a transgender person demands the same decency?

Isn’t it wild and communistic that people want basic human rights like access to affordable health care, housing and education, especially in the richest country in the world? How about believing COVID is a hoax and then contracting it, spreading it and getting the best health care treatment in the nation while simultaneously trying to gut the Affordable Care Act? Or — and this one makes a ton of sense — seeing millions of Americans lose their jobs, health insurance and living during a pandemic but deciding that relief and aid shouldn’t be sent until after an election for political gain? Oh, and saying you love this country and the people in it while screwing Americans over is a plus!

The hypocrisy of some Conservatives is never-ending, and even when it’s pointed out, it’s often called “fake news” or projected maliciously back to the person calling them out.

The same Conservatives think “political correctness” have cut the tongues right out of their mouths because god forbid, being unable to be publicly racist and homophobic is the ultimate oppression.

Let’s thank the great lord above, the white, Conservative man above who does not approve of government “handouts” or helping thy neighbor! Jesus couldn’t have been from the Middle East… He didn’t help those in need… Instead he put on his big red MAGA cap, grabbed a pitchfork and whined about how oppressed he is as a white heterosexual man.

It really makes a lot of sense when “pro-lifers” are obsessed with murdering the people who oppose them and running over protesters. It’s so cute when they scribble hearts around the names of cops who killed innocent Black people. Wait, isn’t “pro-life” about babies? How about the kids in cages or are we only talking about white kids? Or what about the insane number of children in and out of the foster care system? Or what about Trump using the cells of an aborted fetus as part of his COVID treatment? Am I missing something, or does it seem like “pro-life” is actually just pro-birth and pro-control-over-other-people’s-bodies?

What about the #SaveOurChildren crowd? Save our children from poverty, drowning in debt from school, not having access to health care, going hungry, abuse? No, that’s not important. Save our children from lizard people and celebrity pedophiles, right? But not all celebrity predators — they love the ones who were close friends with the infamous child molester Jeffrey Epstein and his girlfriend… Because some of them are fit to run this country.

How dare I forget the Conservatives who are all for women’s rights? They couldn’t possibly be sexist since Amy Coney Barrett is the latest Supreme Court nomination! Barrett, a member of the People of Praise, who believes men rule over women is a feminist icon. Even The Federalist, a right-wing newsroom that worships Trump, thinks she’s awesome for believing so! Oh, how some of those Conservatives think women are asking to be raped when they wear “provocative” clothes and flirt, or even normal clothes without flirting, or when they’re minding their own business or simply existing as a woman. Not to mention how our country’s leader is winning “bigly” with sexual assault allegations!

Unfortunately, nothing is funny about the state of our nation. As evil darkens the lungs of our petulant leaders, reverberated by their mindless drones, we must remember to utilize our right to vote. While we are yet again stuck choosing between the lesser of two evils, it should be a no-brainer who to vote for at this point. A presidential change won’t magically make our problems disappear though, which is why we keep fighting and working toward a more just and equitable country.