Mohmand: I’m glad I chose to go there


“I was at a point mentally where I failed all of my classes, my self esteem hit rock bottom and the effort of going to therapy was exhausting,” writes editor-in-chief Amber Mohmand. 

Amber Mohmand

Content warning: This article has topics of depression and suicidal ideation. 

My relationships come with a promise: I’ll be here for you and I’ll help you to the best of my ability. And for the most part — when it comes to mundane things  — my friends know and understand that. It’s the moment where someone is “down bad,” and that need for isolation kicks in. 

It’s when you’re having a panic attack, a medical emergency or need someone to pull you out of your thoughts where you feel that hesitation to ask for help. 

“Why didn’t you call me?” 

“I didn’t want to bother you with my problems.” 

“But you’re not bothering me.” 

I know that you want to call but the thought of “They have better things to worry about,” prevents you from calling your safe person’s number. I understand that thought because I’ve had it myself. There was a point last year where I gave myself two options: drive myself into a lake or call my older cousin. I was at a point mentally where I failed all of my classes, my self esteem hit rock bottom and the effort of going to therapy was exhausting. 

I couldn’t remember the last time my smile reached my eyes or where I had tears running down my cheeks because of laughter. I made a cynical joke on SnapChat that I wanted to drive into a lake that day, but it wasn’t a joke — it was a wish. That realization didn’t scare me, the feeling of wanting to do something like that did. The fact that I was at Ada Hayden and pulling into the parking lot scared me. 

As I stared into the lake, contemplating what my next move was going to be, I got a ping from my cousin:

“Come over.” 

What a mundane text and at the same time; it saved my life. I pulled out of the parking lot and I headed over to my cousin’s place — less than five minutes of a drive. We didn’t talk about my snap or why I was at Ada Hayden. She just said “I need you here with me so I can clean my house.” And I stayed at her home cleaning, making sure we can bring fresh energy to her space. 

“Thanks for coming over, I appreciate it.” 

“Well it was either this or driving into a lake.” 

I honestly thought she’d laugh with me, thinking it’s just another cynical joke that I made but she didn’t. 

“Well I’m glad you chose to come here.”

To this day my cousin won’t tell me if she had me come over because she saw my Snap or she genuinely wanted me to be there. But what I do know is that opening up to her, even if it meant to be a joke, saved me from ending my life last year and I’m glad I chose to go there.