Satire: How this year’s March Madness will be like no other


By Omar Waheed, [email protected]

Iowa State’s starting 5 for March Madness. (Wendy Wintersteen, Jamie Pollard, T.J. Otzelberger, Steve Butler, Bill Fennelly)

Eli Lindsey

The leaders of college basketball have never been categorized by their love for fairness, equal play and keeping money out of sports. This all was confirmed in a recent release stating that only the richest faculty members of universities that get into the March Madness tournament will be able to compete, meaning they will replace the actual basketball players in an attempt to show just how powerful they all really are. 


With this new move sending shockwaves through the sport, we took the time to analyze the potential Iowa State starting 5 and how they will fare in this year’s March Madness. 


Point Guard – Wendy Wintersteen (President of Iowa State)

She’s the woman who makes this shit run. Wendy can do it all with her keen ability to delegate and spread the ball around, mainly so she doesn’t have to do any of the work. We’ve even seen her incredible ability to defend the University from controversy, so she should be a nasty on ball defender in the tournament. 


Shooting Guard – Jamie Pollard (Athletic Director)

This man doesn’t miss. From his hiring of Matt Campbell and T.J. Otzelberger, to his ability in finding ways to raise more money for the athletic programs, he is always on target. Basketball for him will be no different where he is expected to be a deadly perimeter shooter, but don’t be fooled by his typically calm and composed manner, Pollard is known to have the occasional monster dunk hidden up his sleeve.


Small Forward – T.J. Otzelberger (MBB Head Coach)

You can run, you can even try and hide, but you will not escape him. Our beloved coach is built like a tank and ready to get this team fired up. Otzelberger is the frontrunner to be the player coach of the team where he will never sub Wendy out for fear of being fired. He is undoubtedly pissed his real players won’t be on the court so he has to get his rage out somehow, and that will most likely be by flexing on defenders after scoring on them.


Power Forward – Steve Butler (Mathematics Professor and Math Legend)

Butler is said to have never missed a shot from close range in his entire playing career. This is because of his ability to do angle calculation in his head before shooting and knowing exactly where to place the ball. His ability to make short shot calculations on the fly and design plays using the pythagorean theorem make him the perfect post player for the team.


Center – Bill Fennelly (WBB Head Coach)

Bill has been a staple of success for his entire time coaching at Iowa State. He has created one of the most consistently dominant women’s basketball programs in the country so he brings a lot to the table. His high energy coupled with his experience will be essential in getting rebounds and playing some defense for this team. It is even rumored that his daughter in law Lyndsey, former star point guard for Iowa State, makes the family run drills at all family dinners, gatherings, and holidays. Should this rumor be true, Fennelly will still be in great playing shape and ready to seek revenge for not letting his team compete.