New year, new you. You made some lofty goals for this year, again. This time you promised that you’ll follow through on all of them. Nothing will stop you from becoming the better you that you know you can become.

But wait, following through on your goals are hard. It’s so much easier to do nothing instead, but you need to keep up the façade to make you feel like you tried. Why get in shape when there’s a slew of amazing shows to watch? Have you seen The Wire? That should be your real goal. Eat healthier? Drink less? You’re going to crash the economy with your new aversion to sugar snacks and vodka. We’re supposed to recover the economy, not tank it.

If it’s any consolation prize, you beat the majority who give up on by Jan 19. Now comes the time where you need to decide when it’s good enough to quit.

January 20^th

You already beat all those slackers who couldn’t beat the national curve for New Year’s resolutions. You have nothing else to prove. Now is one of the most optimal times to give up on your goals.

January 31^st

Show all those January 20^th schmucks you’re better than them by making it to the end of the month.

February 1^st

All those idiots who thought they were good for making it through the end of the month will be in awe when they find out you made it into the next month. Show them that you’re more dedicated to improving yourself than they are, then abruptly stop. It’s all about the competition baby.

February 14^th

Valentine’s Day is as good as any to give up on yourself. Wallow in the self-pity as you accept the crippling realization that no matter how much you change, you are still unlovable.

Right Now:

If you’re reading this and made it this far, you may have been contemplating giving up this whole time and were looking for the perfect time to do so. So how about right now? Go to the nearest corner store, pick up the largest bag of chips you can find, go back home and turn off all the lights as you binge watch another show that will make you feel empty after you’re done.