Helser Hall was originally built in 1957 and received its first renovation during the summer of 2019. The horrid brown and green floor tiles layered with decades of bodily fluids and Busch Light replaced pristine laminate. So too has the rickety wooden closets been whisked away, time capsules and all. The once ugly stepchild of Iowa State University has now become a sought after destination for freshmen everywhere, and Iowa State officials are not happy.

Helser Hall used to be a barren wasteland for freshmen to call home, with each freshman vying to see who would be taken down next by the basement asbestos, recluse spiders or heat exhaustion. 

This enabled students to withstand the onslaught of classes due to their reclusion of emotions required to survive their environment. Iowa State wishes to return to these grand old times and has created the following list of measures they will take to once again sharpen steel with steel.

Recluse Spiders

For years Iowa State’s colony of recluse spiders have claimed Friley and Helser as their home. This community deserves our respect, and as such, Iowa State has made a deal with the queen recluse spider Jill to inhabit floors 1 and 2 of Helser in return for only one student hospitalization per semester. If you see one of these fine 8 legged freaks, please reserve stepping on them because 1000 others are probably watching you and they know where you live.

Taking away washing machines

No house in America has more than one washer so why would this residence hall be any different. Also, please note that this single washer will likely be broken but feel free to use any of the free 13 dryers available. Hot clothes = fresh clothes.

Destruction of three urinals in each bathroom

This is purely a preventative measure as urinal survival rate has dipped to a minimal 25 percent since 2017. By attacking prematurely, we hope to prevent any future targeted attacks.

No hot water after 6:00 pm

Helser Hall has no air conditioning and soon could have no heating if you all complain any more about lack of hot water.

One person doing you know what in a stall

…

One regurgitated hot dog in the showers

This hotdog will be replaced on a weekly basis and will help save water costs because no one will be using this shower. With this action, we also foresee considerable lines for each bathroom, so be sure to bring your laptop or tablet to study while waiting.

Asbestos

Asbestos is fun! It keeps you warm, looks like popcorn, and can give you financial compensation if you develop Mesothelioma! Also, we accidentally put asbestos in Geoffroy Hall, and the rich kids are complaining, so we had to dump it somewhere and you all fit the bill.

Thank you all for understanding why these changes need to occur, and have a great semester!