Relationships are supposed to be fun. You get to hang out with someone, do stuff with them that you don’t want to do alone, try new things and generally connect with someone in a new and exciting way. While they can be difficult to maintain, the partners should enjoy each other and have an equal relationship built on mutual trust and a desire for companionship. 

With that comes sex, a natural progression of a romantic relationship. Whenever a couple reaches it, sex is an important part of a relationship that can not only enforce a bond but can also be good for them. Sex, if it is between consenting partners, should be a fun time of exploration and discovery, and each person should feel safe enough to communicate his or her wants and needs without fearing retribution or coercion. Sex can be an integral part of a healthy relationship because it fuels the connection between the partners and encourages a connection between the couple.

However, not all relationships are healthy. There are some relationships that may start out as exciting, but over time dissolve into abusive, terrifying ordeals that can take years to escape but leave life-long scars. These relationships can be manipulative, emotionally scarring and sexually coercive.

One such relationship is depicted in the popular “mommy porn” novel, “Fifty Shades of Grey,” and its subsequent novels, by E.L. James. The first book details the growing relationship between Anastasia Steele, a senior in college, and Christian Grey, a wealthy and successful businessman with whom Steele crosses paths before embarking upon a romance that has not only been heralded as arousing to women but also beneficial to them. 

The Fifty Shades of Grey novels debuted in 2011 to enormous popularity. The movie adaptation of the first book was released in theaters in February 2015, and it was recently announced that the other two books will hit theaters in February 2017 and 2018. The depiction of this story is far from over, meaning the unhealthy messages will continue.

I am not speaking out against BDSM or BDSM relationships. BDSM is an overlapping acronym that stands for bondage and discipline, dominance and submission and sadism and masochism. They’re not inherently unhealthy and are perfectly viable ways for people to express themselves sexually and fulfill their needs. However, I do believe that in order to pursue a BDSM relationship, people need to know what they are comfortable with, and they have to have complete trust in their partners, and they absolutely have to know that they are able to cease the proceedings whenever they wish. 

This dynamic, where both parties feel equal in the relationship and feel like they are completely capable of controlling the proceedings is woefully absent in “Fifty Shades of Grey.” Grey tracks her phone without her knowledge, dissuades her from seeing or talking to other males and pressures her by way of stalking into a relationship that she is not ready for. 

There is a line that Christian says, before he and Ana are even in a relationship, that is prime abuse and frightening, “If you were mine, you wouldn’t be able to sit down for a week after the stunt you pulled yesterday.”

To be clear, the “stunt” she pulled was going out drinking with her friends — an activity he frequently tries to snuff. Furthermore, they are not in a romantic relationship at this time, and she has not agreed to abide by his rules.

Therefore, this is not the sexy “guess what I’m going to do to you later” phrase it’s assumed to be or depicted to be in these novels. This is a threat of physical violence against a woman who has done nothing to warrant it, by someone who is trying to impose a sense of power. 

Christian goes on to rape Anastasia. She says no, struggles and yet he still has sex with her. This was after she, jokingly, told him over an email that she was not interested in continuing their dominant/submissive relationship. He decided that it was appropriate to come to the house of the woman who had just, at least in his mind, rejected him, to have sex with her. He tells her he will tie her up if she struggles and gag her if she makes a noise. That is the definition of rape, no matter how much people try to defend it. 

While I know that “Fifty Shades of Grey” came out a few years ago, E.L. James is still pumping out sequels that glorify an abusive relationship and place it erroneously under the mantle of BDSM. BDSM is meant to be healthy and a cathartic experience and is not meant to be dreaded by one of the participants.