An article the other day in the Huffington Post by Ann Brenoff, “On The Fly: Are You Flirting Or Just Being Polite?,” got my attention. It made me wonder about people’s current interpretations concerning politeness.

As such, cue the music for an article in the rapacious vein of Bill Hicks’ “Rant in E-Minor“:

I have to wonder if “being polite” means the same thing it did 30, 40 or 50 years ago.

Think about what “polite” means to you. For some, it means opening doors and pulling out chairs for women, helping old ladies across the street, saying “please” and “thank you” after everything and even avoiding discussion of unsettling topics or using “lewd” language.

As times change, so do the habits of a culture. But politeness as a general idea has survived across the world in varying degrees.

So what is still expected of politeness in the United States today?

The list of words that are considered lewd have changed a great deal over time and continue to change profoundly with every passing year. Look to word choice by politicians if you really want to see the dramatic shift in what can be said in public.

Sans the Federal Communications Commission rules for broadcasting, which are only adhered to because of fines, I don’t see any words as being impolite. It is just whether you want to give off a particular impression and have folks judge you due to their own set of standards for politeness based on your use of a particular word in a particular setting.

Much of the politeness we see today with businesses is forced the same as people holding their tongue with certain words in certain situations.

At Hy-Vee, you are offered a “helpful smile in every aisle.” Does anyone honestly believe all the employees are offering a genuine smile?

It is a business plan to offer a service that appears to be more helpful and respectful than other businesses so as to create some degree of loyalty to the establishment. The employees can be chastised for not offering to help a customer.

The same, “how can I help you” is a regular part of restaurants and essentially all large retail businesses. 

Yes, it is a bright idea to try and find what a customer wants so that they are more likely to make a sale in an expedient manner. That is just smart management.

But does anyone think most of those employees that aren’t on commissions or bonuses/perks for high sales really care if you make a purchase or not?

Even when you meet a genuinely happy-go-lucky person that is prone to greeting even folks in a elevator with a cheery “hello,” that person is also likely playing up the “politeness” factor when at work because it is required or expected.

We know it is all a dog and pony show — if you didn’t, my apologies for the sudden revelation. And no, that wasn’t a genuine apology; I was just “being polite.”

I wonder if all politeness is just a way to delude ourselves. We are a culture that appears to enjoy being duped, to a degree.

Folks go to strip clubs and enjoy not only the enticement of the naked human form, but also the most often fake flirtations utilized by the dancers to make more money.

Or if strip clubs are too risque for you, you might be someone who reads magazines and honestly thinks the people sharing tips and advice are doing so with altruistic intentions.

Many of us were scolded in childhood and into adolescence when we forgot to thank some relative after they gave us a gift that we found to be atrocious — think along the lines of clothing that you wouldn’t be caught dead in or something that made no sense like a toy for a child 10 years younger than you.

Why was it so bad to say you didn’t like something? Sure, it is “the thought that counts,” to some degree, but why is it more important to pretend so someone else can think they did well and likely make the same mistake again?

It is like the nonsense of giving out “participation medals” to all the kids in a competition that finished at the bottom. Why even have a competition if “everyone is a winner in the end?” Ugh.

Apologies, went on a bit of an offshoot argument ramp. Jumping lanes back to politeness now.

It used to be that politeness was to be extended to all women, likely because of a lot of lingering patriarchal tendencies, and to men to a lesser degree.

Nowadays, when not on the clock at a job, that politeness has faded a lot. So much so that when folks are “polite,” people feel the need to comment on it and to point out the act because it is no longer the norm even when said politeness is between friends and family.

So again, is it just that people like “fake” and are unwilling to admit it? People complain about fake actions of people all the time, yet people desire “fake” reactions every day. Hypocrisy anyone, or merely a matter of degrees?

Due to social media’s extreme impact on our lives, even the word “friend” has taken on a new meaning.

For many of the under-40 users, many of your “friends” on Facebook and the like are merely folks you met once or twice and don’t even bother communicating with outside of maybe clicking “like” on some life announcement.

It would be impolite not to congratulate someone for those events if you were told in “real life.” But again, why?

Do you really care that someone is pregnant or engaged? If you were busy with your life and saw in public one of those “friends” you rarely communicate with, would you wait to hold a door open for them or just go on about your day as if they weren’t there?

Is it really that people care so much about other people, or is it more of an ingrained notion to do so?

It is likely giving an engaged person an emotional boost to see 500 people giving them a “thumbs up” for their accomplishment.

And yes, making people happy is a good thing overall. So why not do that all the time? Why not make it a point to regularly compliment or “like” things or open doors for others all the time?

Well, people don’t generally do that because people don’t necessarily care about others unless it could have a discernible effect on themselves. 

Think of the last time a complete stranger held the door open for you. Now think about the odds that that person found you attractive and did so hoping it would somehow entice you to strike up a conversation, or, at the very least, give them a good look at your tush. It isn’t always a given, but it is a fair likelihood.

Maybe I’m a bit of a cynic, or maybe I prefer people to open their eyes and realize the layers of the world.

I am okay with people wanting to keep pretending that most of the time when they encounter politeness, that such “politeness” is genuine. But I do want them to realize much of it is flimflam.

I’ll leave you with something to consider from the movie “The Matrix” that covers my pondering:

“Cypher: You know, I know this steak doesn’t exist. I know that when I put it in my mouth, the Matrix is telling my brain that it is juicy and delicious. After nine years, you know what I realize? [Takes a bite of steak] Ignorance is bliss.”

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Gabriel Stoffa is a graduate student in political science from Ottumwa, Iowa.