Dear RJ,

I’ve been dating the same girl for about two years. Things aren’t bad, but they aren’t great either. We still go on dates and out to parties, but she’s always busy with school. She spends a lot of time with the people she has class with, and I don’t know if she’s interested in one of the guys she hangs out with.

Last weekend, I ran into one of her friends at a party. I asked her about the guy, but she told me not to worry about it. We kept talking and she told me she thought I was cute, and that if I wasn’t with my girlfriend, she’d be interested in me. Long story short, she said she wanted to have sex, but her aunt was in town so we just made out.

My girlfriend is out of town this weekend, what do I do? I really do love her, but I’m not sure it’s going to work out?

 

How hot is her friend?

I’m not sure how much you love your girlfriend, dude, but the last girl I was dropping the “L” bomb to had my undivided attention. There’s a big difference between recognizing a girl is attractive and wanting to act on that attraction. Hot girls don’t cease to exist because you’re in love, but “real” love — that romantic ideal you hear about in Hallmark cards and movies — should make it seem that way.

I think a lot of people stay together out of convenience. Whether it’s the label, the sex or the comfort, motives for relationships get pretty complicated. If you’re willing to ruin your relationship by nailing this other girl, it doesn’t seem like much of a relationship to begin with. 

You seem pretty insecure.

On one hand, you should have enough faith in your girlfriend to know that no matter how much time she spends with her study buddy, you’re the man for her. Girls don’t like needy guys, and needy guys are most definitely the jealous type. Him not knowing his boundaries is one thing, but if she’s genuinely attracted to him, there’s not much you can do.

Girls cheat because they’re unhappy, not because they’re opportunistic. If you’re that worried about some other dude, figure out what she doesn’t see in you and fix that. You’ll probably end up better off. Be attentive, be confident, love her for who she is, and you won’t have to worry about the “other” guy.

As far as the cheating is concerned, that’s your call. I guess the first order of business is figuring out how much you care about her feelings — if she loves you, she’ll be devastated. If you’re trying to keep her around, you’ll have to do your best Jason Bourne impression: Delete your phone calls, texts, Facebook messages, etc. as soon as you get them. If she’s likely to stop by either of your places, or if you have roommates likely to spread the word, l’d have your tryst in a neutral location. The odds of you and her friend being caught depend on how much time each of you spend with your girlfriend. Odds are she’ll notice, but there’s a chance you’ll get away with it. Beyond that, it’s just a balancing act between how good you are at sneaking around and how horrible you want to feel about yourself. 

I kind of wonder about the motives of her friend? Drunken discourse is either the complete truth or absolute bullsh-t, and rarely in the middle ground between the two. Either her friend is genuinely into you, or she’ll chalk this one up to a lapse of judgement thanks to Mr. Cuervo. If she’s still game while she’s sober you’re in luck, but don’t be surprised if you end up having an awkward conversation where she shoots down the idea of a sequel. I’d also point out that a girl who is willing to facilitate cheating on her friend probably isn’t big on fidelity, so hopefully you’re not looking for anything more stable than a friends-with-benefits situation.

Honestly, it sounds like you should break things off. Sure, you can still care about someone and fool around on them, but I wouldn’t call that love. It’s bad enough you’re planning on sleeping with someone she trusts, but don’t think this won’t get back to her. At this point, you’re in damage control. If you guys are over and done, break things off and her friend is fair game, but only after the fact. Cheating on someone to dump them is one of the few things worse than just plain stepping out. That doesn’t mean you have to tell her about your rendezvous while you’re breaking stuff off — she never has to know.

She’s probably never going to talk to you again once you’ve called it off, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do your best to leave her heart and self-esteem intact.