Justin Bieber: almost certainly male

Edward Leonard

Ladies, hold on to your panties — it’s the latest and greatest of a long line of sexy singers. A man who can make even the likes of Kim Kardashian pursue him to the point where a restraining order is necessary. What is it about this new heartthrob that makes him so alluring? Is it his exotic Canadian roots? Is it his feminine features — not to mention hair — his unnervingly high voice? We may never truly understand the spectacular sensation that is Justin Bieber.

For those who have been living under a rock for the last two years, Bieber is a 16-year-old boy from the far reaches of Ontario, Canada. He posted a few videos of himself singing on YouTube, got a few hits and bam! He’s signed on Usher’s record label and has a platinum record — within a year. Not only that, but he’s inspiring pedophilia in women across the nation, or more accurately, the world.

Despite some rumors that Justin is in fact a lesbian woman in, poor, disguise, most experts agree that he is indeed a male boy, still under the age of consent in the United States — in Canada he’s fair game. This probable boy has swept the world with such creative and not at all cookie-cutter, generically named boy-band-esque hits as “Baby” and “Never Let You Go.” Truly this is a creative mind to parallel the likes of Prince, Led Zeppelin, and perhaps even Mozart. In the words of one devoted fan, “it makes me want to poke my eyes out.”

For those who haven’t had their ears graced with this young man’s explosive talent, simply look up videos from this year’s MTV Video Music Awards. Once you get past Lady Gaga’s meat dress — yep, she literally wore a dress made of meat — you will more than likely find a hefty majority of the evening’s festivities centered around this lyrical wordsmith, who seems to be the new voice of a generation. Move over Kanye.

The new teen idol has truly now found his place among the stars, being perhaps even bigger than the almighty Jonas Brothers of Disney channel fame and funding. The mark of true success.

But what makes him so popular? Why do girls love him so?

“He’s just so cute!” said a source who wishes to remain anonymous to avoid the hideous embarrassment of actually admitting to have the hots for this still underage fellow. “And I love his hair.”

Truly this is a talent beyond talent. Incredible.

But some of those with poor musical taste are still wary of Mr. Bieber and his musical prowess. They doubt his staying power as a star.

“I feel like he’ll end up exactly like Lindsay Lohan,” said Ben Wiemers, senior in computer engineering, probably unaware of the underlying implications of Bieber’s alleged lesbianism in his statement. “He’ll start getting a little out of control when he’s 17, but by 18 he’ll be in rehab, and he’ll disappear.”

Clearly our Mr. Wiemers has little faith in the staying power of such teen idols, but is clearly mistaken. Simply look at the success stories of the likes of Aaron Carter and Hillary Duff. These young legends are still the center of constant public adoration, right?

So Justin Bieber will march on, through the world, to North Korea and back. He will continue stealing the hearts of pedophiles and preteen girls the world over. Truly this is a force of creepiness only rivaled by that of Edward Cullen, and God forbid someone write a piece of fan fiction wherein the two do meet and fight for the heart of some unsuspecting, generic and easily identifiable preteen girl character. The New York Times bestseller list wouldn’t know what hit it.

But whatever happens, Justin is here, and he’s big. For several years, he will be the idol of every woman across the globe with a propensity for much, much younger men, and if one thing is certain, he is definitely probably not a lesbian.