oh, four sentences, in an attempt to ward off any criticism

regarding being chauvinistic or encouraging risky behavior. “No”

means no, and “stop” means stop. Taking advantage of drunk girls is

absolutely disgusting, and I have a mile-long list of people who

seem to think otherwise. Sex is a fantastic experience that’s been

ruined for too many girls on account of drunken jerks, and that

needs to stop. If you violate a lady, rest assured — you will be

getting what’s coming to you.

semester out from being able to call myself a real scientist, I’d

like to point out that we’re all here for one purpose:

reproduction. Consequently, sex is the best thing ever.

it’s a biological adaptation to guarantee reproduction. You exist

to have sex. Good sex. Find someone, fall in love and have at

it.

first five minutes of knowing you whether or not they’d sleep with

you — if you get all clingy and start blowing up their phone,

they’ll lose interest. Ever get sick of going to Adventureland,

since you’ve already been there and know what to expect? Same thing

applies here.

doors, stand when she leaves the table and when she gets back, and

let her make the moves. The best way to get a girl physically

interested in you is to keep it in your pants until she pulls it

out. What I mean by that is this — let her run the

bases.

she’ll know, and if you’re a gentleman, she’ll appreciate it.

Reciprocate, but don’t advance. That challenge drives her crazy,

and that keeps her interested. You can’t let them completely win,

or they will.

heart is remembering two words at all times —ladies

first.

as STDs, mind you, but when it was called “the glass slipper of our

generation” in “Fight Club,” that hit the nail on the head. I know

guys who have never gone without, and couples who use that as their

sole form of birth control.

bargoyle you picked up at one of the fratty bars, hell yes, use a

condom, but a long-term monogamous relationship? “Wow, honey, I

love you too, just give me a second to slip this 75-cent

slime-balloon on to my dork before I show you just how

much.”

watching an R-rated movie on basic cable.

shocker, right? You can probably visualize the reverse shocker,

rocker and spocker if you think real hard. The best one? The

minivan — two in the front, five in the back.

correlation between chronic marijuana use — is that phrase

redundant? — and a lower sperm count. Yeah, birth control, that’s a

horrible side effect.

great, drunken sex is fun, but stoned sex is absolutely fantastic.

Other than being hungry during and afterwards, there really aren’t

any downsides. You’re in college. Don’t be a prude.

is a notion I find antiquated at best. Why would you buy a car

without a driver’s license, much less a test drive? That’s a recipe

for success if I’ve ever heard one.

ejaculation might be an evolutionary adaptation. I guess back in

our rapin’-to-reproduce days, being quick on the draw came in

handy. I guess most guys are satisfied in something like five

minutes, and girls somewhere between 10 minutes and

never.

marathon sex. I’m not talking about multiple goes in one session,

I’m talking about the hour-long bone-a-thons people say they enjoy.

I guess I don’t get it.

ugliest children? Ask your mother.

regarding the gender dichotomy of promiscuity. There’s an old

saying: If a key opens many locks, it’s a master key. If a lock is

opened by many keys, it’s not a very good lock.

sitting in a hot tub and waiting for it to heat up.

ideal penis size chart you can find on Google. It’s a plot that

assigns grades based on the most favorable responses from women on

length and girth. I started to wonder why there wasn’t an ideal

vagina size chart, then I realized it doesn’t matter for most

dudes.

almost as important as everything below the belly button. It’s

definitely the difference between good sex and great

sex.

is hilarious. Girls are attracted to stature — the confident,

stable, self-made man. His baloney pony? Not so much. My gender, on

the other hand, is putty in the hands of a woman who may or may not

sleep with him.

“guy friends” who bend over backwards for them on the off-chance

she might sleep with them. If you’re in the “friend” zone and you

haven’t already done the deed, it’s probably never going to happen,

but most guys will hang in there for the slim chance of requited

love.

vaginas. You ladies can say what you like about feminism and

empowerment, workplace equality, the gender pay gap, whatever, but

at the end of the day, lady parts beats rock, paper and scissors.

This is why our dads don’t all have pool tables and jet

skis.

beaches are horrible places for sex, Hollywood be damned. Rooftops,

the Tiers, Central Campus and moving vehicles, however, are fine

and dandy. Not that I’ve ever done such a thing.

of Morning View by Incubus, Donovan Frankenreiter and most R&B

is acceptable hookup music. 3OH!3 … not so much.

happened until an ex-girlfriend told me, but apparently, there’s

this thing called a “refractory period” where a gentleman will lose

his mojo after he … er … makes a deposit at the baby bank?

That’s really too bad.

and the fingernails? I mean, whatever, I’m glad I’m doing it right

and all, but holy hell, I’ve woken up some weekends looking like I

got attacked by a badger. Put some mittens on or something. Give me

a pat on the back.

dancing it is that some girls think correlates to bedroom

expertise. The Stanky Leg? The Shopping Cart? I don’t get it. One

of my best friends holds the state record for swimming butterfly,

and I’m pretty sure that was part of the pitch when I introduced

him to his fiancee.