Awards shows are the Superbowl of the entertainment writing craft. The Pulse desk is on the job.

On any given day, there are always two people in the newsroom arguing about what movies are good and bad, what records we receive belong in the garbage bin and what TV shows are worth a damn. So, when the time for another major awards show roars around, we can’t help but test our pop culture mettle against each other to see who can pull out the largest number of correct guesses. This year we decided to give the Emmys a WTF twist. We would each guess who would win in four categories and see who could best the other in pop culture glory. In each category we decided if one of us was wrong, he’d receive a punishment and the loser overall would have to suffer one, awful penalty.

Outstanding Comedy Series

Dante’s Pick: “Scrubs”

Alex’s Pick: “Arrested Development”

Punishment for incorrect answer: Rub Icy Hot somewhere on the body

Winner: “Everybody Loves Raymond”

Dante: This was preposterous. Nobody loves Raymond anymore – why on Earth did this win? I was counting on the popularity of Zach Braff to bring home the gold. I took the punishment in stride though and rubbed a bunch of this horrible stuff behind my ears and waited for the music. Once the stuff kicked in, I felt like my head was going to explode.

Alex: I decided since America was lacking a slap in the face to wake up and realize how genius “Arrested Development” is, I ultimately gave myself one. It says on the tube that Icy Hot should be applied to skin, but I don’t think they were banking on me rubbing it on my palm and slapping myself in the face with it. The true evil of the stuff comes with a delayed response, as right when my skin stopped hurting from the slap, it started burning from the chemical process unfolding into pure mayhem on my face.

Outstanding Variety, Music or Comedy Program

Dante’s Pick: “Da Ali G Show”

Alex’s Pick: “Late Night with Conan O’Brien”

Punishment for incorrect answer: Wax off some body hair.

Winner: “The Daily Show with Jon Stewart”

Dante: I knew Ali G wasn’t going to win but my undying love for his show swayed my vote. Boy, was that stupid, but not as stupid as what I had to do next. I didn’t really think pulling hair from any part of my body would feel good – but I didn’t want it to look bad too, so I pulled it from one spot people usually don’t see, my armpit. I’m already ticklish there, so the wax alone felt weird but the subsequent yank was far from funny. The scream I let out was on key with Donald Trump’s during the “Green Acres” theme song.

Alex: I really wasn’t sure about where the votes were going to fall on this category, since the nominees were of such well-executed content. With nowhere else to turn but to the geeky Irishman, I laid my faith in the hands of Conan O’Brien – too bad. When I finally came to terms with the fact that I had to pull hair from the roots with wax paper, I decided to go all out because this was only happening once. The ultimate wax job I could think of? Think South America.

Outstanding Drama Series

Dante’s Pick: “Deadwood”

Alex’s Pick: “24”

Punishment for incorrect answer: Get sprayed with compressed air can

Winner: “Lost”

Dante: I’d never even heard of “Lost, ” how dumb did I feel when it won? I was getting sick of being wrong at this point mainly because my armpit was throbbing and my head was pulsating. I know getting nailed with air doesn’t sound bad, but when you turn the air upside down and spray, only the coolant comes out. This, in turn, freezes whatever it touches first and does not feel good. I was going to just spray my arm until my dear roommate suggested I spray my nipple. There are few things less comfortable than having to freeze your own nipple; there are also few things as painful.

Alex: It was my roommates’ fault that I had to blast myself with a steady stream of ultra-freezing coolant. At the beginning of the year, the other three guys in my apartment bought two seasons of “24” and subsequently watched all of the episodes back to back – I naturally had to join in. Now, with my undying fanaticism of the real-time show, I had to blast myself in the neck with the can, resulting in a freezer-burn blister on my neck the size of a silver dollar and numerous comments that I look like the Elephant Man.

Outstanding Made for TV Movie

Dante’s Pick: “The Office Special”

Alex’s Pick: “The Life and Death of Peter Sellers”

Punishment for incorrect answer: Take a shot of Mexican hot sauce

Winner: “Warm Springs”

Dante: What the in the hell is “Warm Springs?” Anyone who has even seen the British version of “The Office” ought to know it is the funniest thing since “Da Ali G Show.” Well, both my favorite shows landed me in trouble. I had to overdose, again, on some awful substance. The hot sauce re-ignited the pain from the Icy Hot and I found myself running around screaming and laughing in complete pain.

Alex: So here’s the thing: When you bet on something that you have no idea about, and if there is a looming punishment of having to take a shot of hot sauce, things will go wrong for you. Well, things went wrong for me. There’s not much to taking a shot of hot sauce, it’s not that difficult of a task. What is truly complex, is the inner-reflective-processing-consequential-dissemination that occurs once you’ve taken it. Simply, you ask, WHY?

Loser’s Punishment:

Dante: OK, we both lost. I can’t believe we didn’t get a single one right. How embarrassing. We were both really hoping not to lose because these final punishments really sucked. At least if I had to end with no correct picks, Switzer finished the same. For my punishment, chosen by my partner, I had to get maced. The worst part of the whole thing was having, for legal reasons, to spray my own eyes with this horrendous chemical. I hesitated for a while, but finally drew enough courage to open my eyes wide and take it. The chemical instantly rendered my eyes useless and my legs weak. I wandered over to some steps and sat down in a complete haze of bewilderment and outright pain. I was finally able to re-open my eyes about 20 minutes later while eating my misery away at Dairy Queen. I had lost the bet and my eyesight, but I still had a Blizzard – talk about bittersweet.

Alex: On the topic of television shows, I’ve always watched “Fear Factor” with a slight grimace. This wasn’t a grimace of the things they had to do, but rather one of disbelief as to why these people reacted so much to such easy stunts. Well, Dante knew of the grudge I had with these wimps and decided to put me to the test. The challenge? Pig brains. Now, I’ve seen them eat brains on the show before, but not to be outdone, Dante told me to eat them raw, despite the warning on the package not to. On the show, the brains are thoroughly cooked. When they go uncooked, the tissue separates into a fluidy mess of cream-filled god-awfulness. And, much like the people on the show, I couldn’t keep the stuff down for more than five seconds. No matter how you try to do it, the idea of this alone is a good example of a quick-in, quick-out. I guess fear is a factor for me.