Sport fan in the house. This is my first collegiate attempt at the column scene so let’s see how this goes. For starters I have passed all of the NCAA standards with the exceptions of the two that were added for the Nebraska and Florida State programs.

The two new rules being 1) must have at least one attempt at an aggravated assault and 2) must have at least three offenses on your record before entrance.

To the NBA, which is just getting underway, I have just a couple of questions.

Those would be how are we going to bounce back from the loss of Jack Haley, and secondly could Shawn Kemp get any bigger than he already is.

The response to answer one, no. Haley was one of the most dominating 12th men in NBA history, and the loss leaves us all in shock as he was sure to be a lock for the 11th position on some foreign team, or maybe even a starting role on the Clippers.

The second is much simpler to respond to. Kemp is plain fat, not phat, but largely obese and the season is sure to get in the way with his newly acquired job: eating.

Speaking of the NBA, the UCONN Huskies were just denied admission into the league after their loss to Syracuse. That’s okay because I can still make fun of the Clippers.

Speaking of jokes, what about Dennis Rodman? Besides being a freak, he also divorced Carmen Electra, which in my book categorizes him as just plain stupid.

The other topic that may be even bigger than Electra’s chest is the question of whether Rodman will sign with another team.

My opinion is that he should stick with pro wrestling, which is almost as fake as the “Worm” himself. Just kidding, I actually am a big Degeneration X fan (excluding X-Pac). Suck it.

Mike Tyson just got out of prison and is a new man. That probably would have been my title line a couple of years ago, but now at the risk of Tyson beating me senseless I will level with you.

Iron Mike will become somebody’s boy toy in prison just for the fact that he is an idiot.

For starters, the man comes out of prison with a second chance which he blows by biting someone’s ear, then he gets a third chance which he blows by beating the crap out of some innocent person involved in a minor traffic accident.

Oh yeah, who wants to do the “Dirty Bird?” You people should be ashamed of yourselves. For starters you carry your bandwagon to the depths of the Falcons which even I know have only two true fans in the world.

But worse off, come the Super Bowl everyone thought that they were a champ at doing this pathetic dance.

By the way, Marshall Faulk is still the man. Wait ’til Indy makes the playoffs, I’ll be doing the “Dirty Colt.”

And onto my final topic of the day: Major League Baseball, which is just around the corner.

This is going to be a great year in which my Giants will finally become the champions. They are having problems finding a third baseman, but never fear, the rumor has it that they are secretly attending little league tryouts in hopes to find the “chosen one,” who could in turn see playing time at the beginning of the year.

Thank you for supporting the cause and read my column at a later date, if they allow me to write another one.

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Brett Noble is a freshman in journalism and mass communications from Ankeny.