Is the Daily Diatribes too good? This is a question I have been grappling with as its editor since I started this whole project to live out my comedic dreams and give others the opportunity to gain experience writing in a whole a comedic aspect. Unfortunately, illiteracy at our university proves to be an unconquerable challenge for even us, the Daily Diatribes.

While some say no, this whole project is idiotic and think it should be discontinued, the proof of its effectiveness is in the numbers and reactions from advertisers and students says otherwise — we have examples to back it up.

“Satire: BREAKING: CyRide to start charging students fare in wake of rising gas prices”

This article made a joke so bold that CyRide requested an advertisement to alleviate some of the confusion for people unable to read or come to a reasonable thought that obviously a transportation company is not forcing drivers to sell plasma to fuel a bus. Did this stop people from calling CyRide? No. Did it make me feel accomplished that my joke was so good that a piece of city infrastructure requested a whole new ad? Yes. This is a win for me.

“Cy found dead, beaten to death by fans”

This one was supposed to come out if Iowa State lost to Texas. They did not. I still had content to fill. If you didn’t see this one, there is a good reason for it. This article marked the first piece of pulled content for 2021 by the Daily.

Calls were made expressing grievances about the implication of a student dying and ultimately it was cut. Did people think it was real? Yes. Were they unable to read the glaring word “Satire” in both the headline and cutlines? Also yes. We from the Daily Diatribes do not reward illiteracy, but nonetheless, it was pulled.

“Just drop out already”

The very first controversial piece. People did not realize that this was a joke. How could they? They thought that a student publication was actively telling students to drop out and live under one of many wonderful bridges in Ames. How could this possibly be a joke? Noteworthy is that we still were working out labels with this project, but it still did release on the established day for joke articles.

“Empath flunks out of psychology program”

I thought that this one was obviously a joke, yet people still surprise me. I received an email from a grad student saying that it wasn’t okay to make fun of someone who is still discovering their powers. My goodness.

“How to show your pride as an Iowa State fan”

Another you didn’t get blessed with the opportunity to read; this one was cut before it could be published. The people thought it was disrespectful to Iowa State after they had a significantly better season this year than all others. I vehemently defended this one and yet, Iowa State still was eliminated from March Madness and fell short, which is in line with expectations from Iowa State athletics. Would it have been disrespectful to what are essentially student indenture servants to a billion-dollar campus and a multimillion-dollar athletics program? I say no. Is it more disrespectful that these students that are among the best of the best in the country and do not get paid for putting their bodies on the line? A resounding yes from me.

All jokes in the unpublished article were general statements from fans of any team that does not win. Unfortunately, you will all never get to read it unless you email me for a copy. This is a real offer.

In conclusion

The Daily Diatribes does not respect illiterates. If you get an email from the Iowa State Daily on a Sunday, then acknowledge all content is not real. Look at the title as it says the words “Satire” or “Humor” in bold letters before anything else. If you are outright offended, that’s a reasonable issue and please let us know. If you think it’s a real thing, please go seek help from your youngest relative. They’re learning to read and maybe you could use a refresher.