Ben Shapiro visits, ferret policemen and existential dread are just three of the many reasons happy college student populations are dwindling. 

The problem has become so severe that the “Happy College Student” is set to be placed on the endangered species list in the coming weeks. 

Happy College Students once roamed the land, mainly because only men went to college, but who’s to say. But for real, If women are as smart as they say they are, why do they need to further their education? Checkmate liberals.

Perhaps the biggest reason leading to the loss of happy college students is that the police can actually figure out if your ID is real or not. Long gone are the days where a piece of toilet paper with a stick figure and the words “21” underneath would work. New tech has really shut that down.

Poachers are hunting down the rare happy college student by busting parties and assigning homework. Something must be done to stop the brutal murder of happy go lucky college kids before the boomers grab us by the neck, stuff Bibles down our throats and then blame millennials for problems they literally created. 

Conservation efforts will no doubt be in full effect once the move to the endangered species list is made official.

If something is not done very soon, extinction is imminent.