Editor’s Note: This is a satirical piece, created to produce commentary at a humorous level. 

1. My dad never threw the old pigskin around when I was a kid. How can I now find a love for football, and Dad?
2. Why does Cy, a bird, have teeth?
3. Last year it was rumored that six NFL teams approached you offering coaching positions. However, you chose to stay at Iowa State. My question is this: Why is Diet Mr. Pibb the best of all the Pibbs?
4. No, seriously, can you help my dad and me?
5. Why are Hawkeye fans known to be so smelly?
6. Brock Purdy owes me five dollars. Can you get him to pay me back my five dollars?
7. Did the team take the field when the derecho sirens went off?
8. How are you doing though?
9. Since Cy has teeth, does he eat bird food or regular food?
10. Coach, I must confess: I lied. My dad and I have a great relationship. (I love you, Papa). Answer me this: Why am I so desperate for your attention?

Rob Reinhard is an undergraduate student in software engineering.