A squirrel popular with students and campus tour guides has come forward asking university members to not label him based on the color of his fur.

“My name is Jeff, not albino,” the squirrel said. “Why point and hurl insults about something I can not change?” 

Author’s Note: When I was in fifth grade, I first began speaking to the squirrels. This terrified my mother, who responded by giving me pills. The squirrels, however, had other plans.

For years, I was mocked for my abilities. “How’s Alvin, Simon and Theodore?” My bully once said. 

“Those are chipmunks, not squirrels,” I said, to thunderous applause. The applause, of course, came from the squirrels.

Cut to the present day. When I hear Jeff’s plight, I feel pity. Is this what the squirrels wanted from me? Or do the squirrels have even grander plans. This, I do not know. All I know is I must do what is right in the present. 

To the campus body, I conclude my article imploring we give Jeff respect. We should not point out our differences, but embrace our similarities.