Content warning: The following column contains sexual content.

Editor’s Note: The following column is a satire piece.

There is a very common stigma that thrives even today in the average American’s — and, to an extent, all people’s — social sexual climate. Girls get to play with cool toys with little to no ridicule, and men can’t even look at a toy without being mocked and ridiculed. Every man knows that one friend who has a toy or two, and he is constantly the sponge for the rest of the male world’s insecurities in their sexuality and sexual desires. Well, this cultural norm is about to be challenged vigorously by a new study that aims to take on the ludicrous practice. 

The new study, which was released by the United States Department of Health and Human Services, states that those who routinely engaging in solo or partner activities in conjunction with pleasure instruments in a coital manner reported more length and more pleasurable sex with their partners. Comparably, those who didn’t engage in solo or partner activities in conjunction with pleasure instruments were found to have short, displeasurable sex that was unfulfilling and unsatisfying for one or both parties and didn’t lead to another encounter as well as the spread of information of the party’s failure to please. 

The lead author, Dr. Jonathan Sins, told reporters, “This report is meant to promote healthier and happier sexual relationships that help not just one, but both parties achieve the most pleasure out of their sexual activities. I personally have been using these devices for years, both with my partners and with myself. We have to normalize these practices as healthy sexual expressions that are needed for growth and pleasure. Just as we must clean our teeth, eat right, exercise and get enough sleep, we must also work on and train our sexual organs and sexual activities and moves so that every party gets the most pleasure out of every encounter.”

With the release of this new report, companies have started to focus their products and marketing on normalizing these products as well as trying to appeal to the erotic side of the products. What were small shops on the rundown side of town with tinted windows are starting to transform into gleaming centers of pleasure, sexual exploration and education. 

This shift has angered some groups that believe that these discussions should be kept in the shadows and only discussed in your own home. One member stated that there is “no need for this vulgar display. I have never used one of these products and my wife is happy in our sex life. No fancy tools, no new techniques. Just three to five minutes of solid, God-fearing missionary. She doesn’t need anything rubbed, vibrated, licked or otherwise touched. Just a good solid three to five minutes is all she needs because that’s all I need.”

These groups also advocate for abstinence and biology-focused sexual education in schools as well as deterring families from talking sex with their children and letting them discover it through trial and error. “Something like this needs to be discovered when the act is sanctioned by God. After all, sex isn’t an important part of an intimate relationship. It is simply a biological necessity, right?”