Editor’s Note: The following column is a satire piece. 

Dear reader, it has been a tumultuous week to be sure. Tiger Woods was in a horrible car crash and Lady Gaga’s dogs were taken at gunpoint, who were suddenly just returned to a police station, but this dark string of events has finally produced a silver lining in this weird world of ours. Lady Gaga has released her plans for Walk in Peace, a canine and canine companion defense brand. 

For those of you who have lives and don’t follow celebrities, I will elaborate. On Wednesday, Lady Gaga’s dog walker was shot and her dogs were stolen. She offered a $50,000 reward for their return, and they were returned to a police station by a woman who said she found them tied to a pole in an alley. The good Samaritan then claimed the $50,000 reward.  

Walk in Peace is Lady Gaga’s first exploration into the world of self protection weaponry. Known for her outspokenness on calling for tighter gun control laws, she has since taken a looser stance on the issue, noting that if it can happen to her, it can happen to anyone — in case you forgot how random chance or being targeted worked.

With this in mind, she has decided to provide dog walkers and their dogs the protection they need to simply walk down the streets. The collection includes doggy kevlar, flash bangs that go off with a bark, harnesses with lasers mounted on them and human mace meant to be held by dog paws. All of these come in a multitude of colors, and you can even pay to have Lady Gaga’s signature on your equipment. 

The collection doesn’t just have things to protect your precise pooch. It also has things to keep the human that walks them for you protected. Such products are kevlar vests, ballistic helmets, pistols and shotguns, massive knives and blow darts. Like the canine products, you can get all of these in a multitude of colors, but you can also get the pistols and shotguns in different calibers and trigger strengths. 

Now, some of you may be thinking that this is a great deal but are nervous because I have said nothing about the prices. Well, worry not my dear readers. As the darling that she is, Lady Gaga stated she created this line to serve ordinary people. You can grab the smallest harness for a steal at $95 or a can of human mace for $150 — not including the holder. This is an incredible steal since they are all verified Gaga products. 

Thank God Lady Gaga has done this for us, and in such quick fashion. Just remember, all of this can be avoided if you just hire a dog walker with a martial arts background.