“How am I gonna be an optimist about this?” That is the question I ask myself, heading off to see “Pompeii” (Trailer). But first, maybe some back story.

When I was an undergrad, I majored in geology and history with a focus on ancient Rome. Clearly, the perfect crossover for research on both subjects would be in Pompeii, Italy, where Mt. Vesuvius exploded in 79 A.D., wiping out an entire city and basically freezing them in place like statues. It is perhaps my favorite historical event ever and I have been waiting forever for a movie version of it.

Unfortunately, Hollywood has churned out a few “historical” tales lately and they have been some of the worst movies I have ever seen. I am looking at you, “The Legend Of Hercules.” So, no, I do not know how I will be an optimist about this.

“Hmm, where do we begin? The rubble or the sins?” The sins of course, the rubble is the second half.

“Pompeii” is a strange movie in that we already know how it ends. Everyone dies right? Huge explosion. It is sort of like a disaster movie, but also a historical film. Hollywood has an advantage here too; they can kind of just tell any story they want to and then end with everyone dying and no one can say they are wrong.

In this story, a Roman Senator, Corvus (Kiefer Sutherland), in 62 A.D., and his bodyguard Proculus (Sasha Roiz), take out an entire Celtic village who were showing resistance for a trade route. Well, they missed a kid, who later gets caught by slavers, and 17 years later he is now a really good fighter. He was trained as a gladiator, because why not.

As luck would have it, this Celt, Milo (Kit Harrington) is packaged up from his small time market and sent to the bigger leagues in Pompeii. There are a lot of coincidences that happen, such as meeting the fair Cassia (Emily Browning), basically a Pompeian princess. Her parents (Jared Harris, Carrie-Anne Moss) want to expand Pompeii with Roman money, so they have to put on a show for a senator, which just so happens to be Corvus.

So, Milo is in the same city with the people who murdered his whole tribe. Too bad he has to also fight Atticus (Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje), who is about to earn his freedom if he gets one last victory.

Oh, and of course, while all of the human stuff is happening, Mt. Vesuvius decides to get its boom boom on and explode for a ridiculously long time, causing a lot of destruction. During the climactic finale, the walls kept tumbling down in the city that we learned to love. There were great clouds that rolled over the hills, bringing darkness from above.

Then a lot of people died. 

I was left to my own devices to really analyze this movie.

So let us start with the story. Gladiator redemption is always a nice story to choose, just like in “Spartacus” and “Gladiator.” Most of those movies give our heroes a lot more time to work with, in terms of training, battles and eventual redemption, so time was the real enemy here given the explosive finale. I think it did a decent job at conveying it all quickly, with the appropriate motivation for most of our main characters. The battle scenes themselves were generally pretty awesome, although some felt a little bit too close to “Gladiator.”

The effects from the volcano were also decent, not amazing, just decent. During the ending, it became more of a hindrance as there were possibly “too many effects” going on at once, that it all felt choppy and a bit blurry, so that was disappointing.

In terms of acting and dialogue, it kind of went all over the place. A few scenes felt repetitive and the quick love did not feel right to me. Sutherland appeared to actually be acting in this movie, so he stood out more than normal playing the pompous jerk.

I think it would have been a sexier movie if they added some other historical relevant material. Maybe a cameo involving the only real story we know associated with this eruption with Pliny the Elder and Pliny the Younger. 

Overall, “Pompeii” did not blow me out of the water as much as I hoped it would. I am also grateful that it did not poop all over the walls either. I plan on visiting Pompeii in my life, hopefully sometime in the next year. When I get there, I hope I can just close my eyes and have it almost feel like I have been there before. But until then, I can only speculate and use this film as a source for how it might have felt.

“Eh. Eh oh. Eh oh.”

3/5