Most of you, about 95 percent of you to be more precise, probably picked up today’s paper and shrieked “Aaaaaah! What’s wrong? Has the whole world gone topsy-turvy?”

90 percent of you reacted this way because you’re right-handed. The other five percent of you, well . . . let’s just say you’re almost always frightened by the newspaper, not to mention skim milk, pencil sharpeners, twisty straws and the next-door neighbor’s cat that looks eerily like former Secretary of Transportation Samuel K. Skinner.

Then, there’s the remainder of us who were not only pleased, but ecstatic, with the layout of this paper. This newspaper is finally a paper meant for me, because like 10 percent of Americans, I am left-handed.

In fact, that’s selling it a little short. Not only do I write with my left hand, but I think it’s really the only functional hand I own. If it wasn’t for wearing obtrusive things like watches or possibly a wedding ring someday, I don’t think my right arm or hand would serve any real purpose. To the best of my knowledge, it’s not even prehensile.

So for me, the world makes very little sense, since it’s like some evil genius managed to reverse my entire universe. Everything from scissors to pianos and stair rails are of less value to me than to your average person because they were designed for that average person. In this sense and my love of personal hygiene, I am definitely not your average person.

I’m not alone. There are people out there who have had enough of their functional disenfranchisement. How can we be expected to participate politically if the levels on the voting booths are on the right side or just by voting on a standard scanned ballot, we manage to turn the sides of our hands pitch black? Since I’m such a fan of cleanliness, that fact is enough to turn me off on the democratic process entirely. Furthermore, what insidious political message are we supposed to take from our literally right-winged society? If anything reeks of nefarious Nazi plotting, it’s the exclusion of left-handed principles from everyday life.

That is why I would propose a truly progressive measure: a left-handed Bill of Rights, er, Lefts. Since the Supreme Court would probably laugh their heads off at any equal protection claims by left-handed individuals, it’s our only real hope. Feminists of the 19th Century had the Seneca Falls declaration. This would be the left-handed cry for equality.

First amendment: Iowa’s new official language is Hebrew. Nothing personal, guys, I’m not Jewish or even moderately familiar with the language, but it’s written in a way righties would consider backwards and I’d consider wonderful. It’s clearly the way to go.

Second, since lefties die an average of nine years earlier than right-handed people, I ask a favor of all those who are right-handed.

Visit test.thespark.com/deathtest, take the test, and subtract nine years. Then try your best to die by that date. If you’re alive a year or two within your new death date, take up smoking! It’s good for the American economy, and it’s guaranteed to knock you off sooner or later. If you hate smoking, why not run up some debts with the mob? It’s only fair. We have to even the tables somehow, and standard methods have simply betrayed us.

The third amendment is merely a desperate plea for you, the evil right-handed scum that makes my life a living hell, to leave the left-handed desks in the same place every day. It’s hard enough to find a left-handed desk in most classrooms, but someone apparently likes to shuffle desks around rooms to see if I’ll ever find them again.

In America’s pastime, there’s loads of room for improvement. Since Bud Selig has about as much respect for purity in baseball as R. Kelly does for statutory rape laws, now’s the time to open the game up to me yet again by simply eliminating the positions of shortstop and third base. They’re closed off to lefties, simply because of our curse. This is discrimination of the highest degree against my able-bodied backwards brethren, and I humbly ask der Fuehrer Selig to get rid of these positions before we rise up and take Randy Johnson away forever.

America, you’ve made wonderful steps in the right direction of civil rights for all. There’s a long way to go with racists and rampant intolerance for lactose all over this great land. But the left-handed will not be your red-headed stepchildren any longer.

I say “give me a left-handed desk or give me an agonizing backache and a huge likelihood of death because of injury.”

Oh. Wait. You already have.

Tim Kearns is a senior in political science from Bellevue, Neb.