Husker football has too good of fate, deserves plenty more hate

Chad Calek

Could Nebraska get any more disgusting? I have to say that the hate I have for the Huskers has swollen to an all-time high.

Missouri outplayed the Huskers, fair and square, only to see the game tied in the final seconds on a pass that was kicked into the air, only to find a Nebraska receiver in the end zone.

In overtime, after the momentum had completely switched to Nebraska, the Huskers scored. Missouri, obviously still in shock of the closing minutes of regulation, failed to convert and lost.

What does Nebraska do? They prance around the field like they just won the Orange Bowl.

Hello? You were supposed to be the No. 1 team in the country. But at least the voters didn’t see it that way after the weekend. The only redemption out of all of this is that Missouri is now ranked No. 25, while the lowly Huskers dropped from first place to third.

Why is it that everything in the world seems to work around the idea that the rich get richer and the poor gets poorer?

Could Iowa State ever have a play like the Huskers in the closing seconds? Hell, no!

We never have the hand of fate in our favor. The Cyclones play harder than any team in the country and have one win to show for it. Nebraska has size and strength in their athletes. They have a winning tradition. But most of all, they have the devil on their side.

That’s right. I said it. Nebraska is the anti-Christ. The Husker entity is one that dwells in the depths of hell.

It’s obvious to me that there is no way God is behind Nebraska. Had God not given his only son for the forgiveness of our sins, I’m sure that he would be flooding Lincoln, Nebraska, this very second.

Just look at the last name of their head coach, Tom Osborne. Go ahead and dissect it. “Os”, as in Ozzy Osbourne, the demon knight himself. Take away the “e” in “borne” and what do you have? You have the word “born”.

We draw from that thinking that Tom Osborne was born the demon knight. He is the leader of the dark legion. The Anti-Christ lives in Nebraska!

The word “bras” is located directly in the middle of the word “Nebraska.”

What does that mean? Temptation is one of Osborne’s (devil’s) best ways to to swing you to the dark side. It’s subliminal.

Every guy and lesbian in the country become tempted because they subliminally think of boobs every time they see the name of the Huskers’ home state. It’s so simple, people! Don’t you see it?

The last evil coincidence is the initials of the Nebraska mascot, Herbie Husker. Double H’s? What evil place starts with the letter “h”? Now consider the evil power of hell if it were doubled.

So we have the Anti-Christ head coach, the temptation of boobs and the two-fold power of hell.

I’m sold.

It was right there in your face all along. You just didn’t see it. You’re lucky you have me working here, looking out for all my fellow students without biased, prejudiced or sexist glasses. Damn, I’m good!

Much love to you all, and remember to never shake a hand that bites.

We’ll talk later.


Chad Calek is a senior in journalism and mass communication from Persia.