Judging from the weather over the weekend, it won’t be long.

The winter has flown by, and the worst is over.

That explains why I took the golf clubs out of storage, and spent the better half of the yesterday scrubbing last year’s mud off my clubs and looking for my argyle socks and plaid pants.

Because I know all of you are just as excited as I am about the beginning of another season, today, as a public service to all of you students out there, I will share a few tips from a pro. These tips are excerpts from my new book, Rory’s guide to the Links. (No, I am not trying to plug my new book, which is due out March 1st at all bookstores for the ultra low price of $49.95 in hardcover only, and comes with a glove stamped with a copy of my autograph. Pretty cool? That’s what I thought.)

So without further ado, I will give you my tricks of the trade.

Before the game begins, stop by the gas station for a couple twelve packs and ten pounds of ice. This serves two purposes — to buy off the members of your foursome and the caddy (to look the other way sometimes during the game), and to fill that big pocket in your golf bag.

When picking you foursome, choose people that have a motorized golf cart. I don’t think there is much explanation here, but please select a designated driver, and I am not talking about a golf club here.

Try driving range balls (a.k.a. creek balls). For most of you, this is not a surprise, as it is a means of survival for me.

Even if I come to the course with a dozen balls, I will always need another dozen to lose over the rivers and through the woods. I believe that is the reason why the driving range is always near the first hole, so stock up and save.

Use fluorescent orange balls. Not only are they easy to find, but I have found they distract the other players with their eerie, almost radioactive glow.

Practice yelling fore. Normally, I yell it after the fact, much to the displeasure of the people playing on bordering fairways. I have a great story about the guy who was just exiting the clubhouse onto the patio and caught my ball with his glasses.

He was rather angry, and besides having to be restrained so that he could not harm me, he would not return my ball.

Count only strokes that result in a ball movement of over ten feet. This is one way I keep my score below 70, for nine holes, of course. Also, when on the green, if a put falls within five inches of the hole, it is technically in.

When no one is looking, kick your ball out of the rough, or toss it over the stream. Again, no further explanation is necessary.

Finally, I always play golf in the morning with a tee time at about 8 am. That is my warning. My one and only warning. If you play during this time, you risk endangering you life. Imagine a 100 mile per hour nuclear orange dimpled Top Flite brushing your hair.

Well, hopefully, I have taken a few strokes off everyone’s game. No need to thank me. And hopefully, we won’t meet at the links.

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Rory Flaherty is a junior in construction engineering from Le Mars, Iowa.