The new NBA season tips off this Friday and goes through a span of 1189 games that will take us well into June. I’m going to save you a lot of time and tell you how it’s all going to come out.

Now I’m sure there’s some doubt out there as to the accuracy of these predictions, but trust me, I’m right and you’re wrong.

Clip this baby out and stick it on your fridge. You’ll thank me later.

First, I might as well start off by pissing off all those Bulls fans out there and tell you that Chicago’s not going to win its fifth title this year.

There’s been a lot of big free agent moves this off-season and several teams greatly improved.

Most notably were the New York Knicks. This team improved by acquiring players by all three methods. They signed free agents Allan Houston and Chris Childs, they traded for Larry Johnson, and they drafted John Wallace, Walter McCarty and Dontae Jones. This team’s general manager should be executive of the year. Look for these guys in the finals.

The Bulls will also be in the finals, the eastern conference finals. This team returns the greatest player the league has known in Michael Jordan, the leading rebounder in Dennis Rodman, and possibly the best all around player in Scottie Pippen. Let’s not forget last year’s coach of the year Phil Jackson. This is a very good team.

This is also a very old team, and there’s the problem. The Bulls will battle their way to the conference finals but no further. Don’t forget that Jordan, Rodman and Jackson all signed one year contracts and after this year that’s probably that for the Bulls. More good news: Pippen is only under contract for this year and next. After being offered up as trade bait each of the last two years do you think he’ll stick around?

Other playoff teams in the East will be the Pacers, Hawks, Magic, Cavaliers, Heat and the surprising Bullets.

In the West I’m picking the Clippers to take it all.

Yeah, right. This is a franchise that makes the New York Jets look like professionals. The Clippers are the easily the worst team in professional sports. One good bit of news is the rumor that Walt Disney may be buying the team. Appropriate because Goofy’s been running this organization for years. Maybe instead the Clippers should sell to Warner Brothers. That rabbit can JAM!

Seriously the Sonics are going to win the West and then they are going to win the championship. This team returns all its starters except at center where they improved with the acquisition of Jim McIlvaine. This roster reads like an all star ballot: Shawn Kemp, Gary Payton, Detlef Schrempf, Hersey Hawkins.

The other power team in the west this year is the Lakers. A little lesson in history, each Lakers championship team has started with the acquisition of the dominant center of that era. George Mikan, five championships, Wilt Chamberlain, one, Kareem, five more rings, Shaq …. Not this year, but soon.

Other playoff teams in the west: Houston, Utah, San Antonio, Sacramento, Phoenix and Dallas.

If you don’t see your team on the list, see ya at the lottery.

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Kevin Petty is a senior in journalism from Carlisle.