Football season is nearly here, and I think it’s high time we talk about perhaps the least popular man in the sport: Roger Goodell.

Yes, you may know him from punishing players for (allegedly) deflating footballs more severely than players who have committed domestic abuse, talking up the dangers of marijuana while being commissioner of a league that is sponsored by any number of alcoholic beverage companies, helping implement rules that make absolutely no sense and getting showered with boos on draft night every year.

And you know what? I’ve had enough.

So, despite the fact that good ol’ Rog has just recently had his contract extended, I have decided to make public my personal offer to become commissioner of the NFL, if the 32 owners would like to take me on. My demands are few, relatively inexpensive and the policies I push for will make football more enjoyable for the fans and more profitable for the owners.

First of all, Roger’s demands in terms of compensation are frankly silly. Forty million dollars a year and use of a private jet? All a commissioner has to do is explain the actions of the league to a group known for its reason, sensitivity and rationality; sports fans. My demands by comparison are far more reasonable. I am willing to do the job for a healthy half million dollars annually and lifetime use of a BMW. Seems fair, right?

The savings could even be used to raise the salary cap by $1 million or so. I understand that as commissioner, I will typically serve as an adversary toward players getting paid more. Yet, if the league can cut $39.5 million of the commissioner’s salary, why not pay the players a little bit more?

Now, let’s get to some league policies I intend to push for.

First of all, I intend to allow the use of medical marijuana in the NFL. Marijuana is a substance that could be used to treat pain. Football players experience a lot of pain, especially when they are recovering for games. Therefore, it is not difficult to see the appeal to lifting this ban.

As a matter of fact, the NFL has very little to gain for having the ban in place at all. There is little reason to believe medical marijuana would somehow worsen the product on the field. It seems unlikely that fans will suddenly stop attending or watching if the ban is lifted. All the ban does is open the NFL up to situations where they end up punishing players more severely for trying to alleviate their pain than they do for domestic violence.

If teams want to enforce draconian, stupid rules, then I suppose that is okay. But getting the league involved in punishing players for such things just creates more problems than it actually solves.

Secondly, the new NFL anthem policy, should I become commissioner, will be simple: stop playing the anthem before football games. My compromise on this issue would be that all players stay in the locker room for the anthem. After all, players have only been required to stand on the field for the anthem since 2009.

In either of these scenarios, the NFL would no longer be used as a “political football” by any party. There would be outrage at first, but eventually that kind of story is easily forgotten. Football is so ingrained in American life that I strongly doubt any loss of viewership would be substantial.

Players certainly would be welcome to engage in activism in other ways (for example, Randy Moss’s tie at his Hall of Fame induction). There is nothing substantial to be gained from having players on the field while the anthem is played. The best possible solution, is to either stop playing the anthem, or stop having players on the field for it.

Finally, here are some other policies I would advocate for or enact as commissioner of the NFL:

• End the new helmet rule. Nobody seems to know how it will be enforced anyways, and we all know what happens when nobody knows what the rules are.

• Add another bye week or two to allow players time to recover and extend the season so owners get richer.

• Get rid of Thursday night football or limit it to teams coming off of bye weeks (see above)

• Let players wear fun cleats or armbands or whatever if they want. This would be another way players could advocate for important causes (see: DeAngelo Williams)

So please, NFL owners, consider my offer and platform. It would bring me great joy to work in one of the sports I enjoy so much. And also, nothing would give me a greater thrill than being booed by Cowboys fans, the most insufferable fan base in America, on draft night.