Patton: Congress calls in Uncle Dursley to aid in ignoring the general public


Emily Blobaum/Iowa State Daily

Over a thousand people attended the March For Our Lives protest, which was held at the State Capitol Building in Des Moines.

Davis Patton

Editor’s note: This is a satirical opinion piece. The names of some people mentioned are fictional. All of the quotes used are also completely fictional.

United States elected officials are bringing in Vernon Dursley to help in their latest attempt to ignore the general public.

Dursley is known in the public sphere as the uncle of British wizard Harry Potter. In 1991, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry began sending letters to 10-year-old Potter inviting him to attend their program. Dursley, Potter’s legal guardian at the time, was passionately opposed to these invitations.

Records show Dursley boarded up their doors in an attempt to block the dozens of letters, and even burned a handful of letters in the family’s fireplace. After these attempts failed, the Dursley family finally moved to a secluded shack in the middle of an unidentified body of water.

Members of Congress were inspired to call on the help of Dursley after the over 800 March For Our Lives protests across the country last weekend. Protestors were concerned with the gun violence in America, but policy makers are doing their best to disregard it all.

“Ignoring phone calls and letters in the mail is somewhat easy as a legislator,” said Florida Senator Marco Rubio. “But when hundreds of thousands of citizens of all ages and political affiliations gather in one day across the country, we have to bring in an expert like Dursley.”

In a statement, Rubio and other members of Congress say they hope Dursley’s creativity in evasion tactics will help them totally and utterly ignore every call to action made by their constituents at the March For Our Lives.

When asked to respond to Emma Gonzalez’s emotional and now viral speech, several Senators plugged their ears and started singing, “La la la la la!” They shared that this was one of the first tactics Dursley shared with them.

It is yet to be seen whether or not these senators are willing to move to a secluded shack like the Dursleys did. Still, their determination is strong to never hear the concerns of their constituents lest it result in progress.

Lastly, Rubio wanted to make sure American citizens stay assured that Dursley’s flight to the U.S. will be no cost to taxpayers. He stated, “All of his travel expenses were gladly paid for by the NRA.”