Stoffa: Controversial, fun Halloween costumes 2012 edition

Gabriel Stoffa

It is that time of the season again folks, where the ghouls and goblins emerge to bang on your door and ask for your favors with that quaint phrase:

“Who will you be supporting in November?”

Wait no, sorry, politics muddling my mind; completely different sort of ghouls and goblins.

I am referring to “trick or treat.” And with that innocent or naughty phrase, depending on your state of mind — mine is in the gutter, how is yours? — I offer up my 2012 selection of 15-ish Halloween costumes I think will entertain or anger folks:

1) For the ladies, or an enterprising gent, do your hair up in a Jersey bump, get yourself the sluttiest yet mom-ish attire possible and strap on a baby sling. The trick being, inside the baby sling is a bottle of vodka; bonus points if you write “Lorenzo” on the bottle. Congratulations, you are transformed into Snooki and her new baby.

2) Dress up like Jesus, but put on a monkey mask. You, too, are now a mockery of something previously held to be of value. And let me tell you brother, that Jesus fresco is bleh.

3) Team or single costume ideas: Bust out your American flag pins and attach firmly to your lapel, cause it is time for presidential play-time.

A) Paul “Bro” Ryan: Backwards red hat, gray T-shirt, black gym shorts and a pair of cross-trainers; substitute dumb-bell — the weight not the character — with the most American beer possible to “curl” between drinks. This outfit is perfect for any gym-rat realizing last minute they forgot to put together a costume.

B) “Uncle” Joe Biden: Dye your hair white, put on a nice suit, smile a lot, and then get piss-drunk. Well, you don’t have to get drunk, but it sure will make it easier to think, or not think at all, before you speak and let out whatever racist, sexual or other slip-of-the-tongue innuendo your mind can muster. Just remember that Cheshire grin whenever you do anything.

C) Mitt “Mittens” Romney: Do your best to put together a makeup design akin to Frankenstein’s Monster, sans the green pallor, put on an expensive suit with the biggest possible American flag pin on your lapel, then grab one of those plastic “Dark Knight Rises” Bane masks. Viola, a Bain Capital joke. For those really wanting to go the extra mile, wear actual mittens to make anyone that leans liberal laugh.

D) Barack “I-did-not-take-the-oath-of-office-on-a-Koran-so-stop-with-the-Muslim-crap” Obama: There are already so many options from the last four years, just pick out whatever tickles your fancy. Just don’t forget to blame George W. Bush for everything that might go wrong during your evening out.

4) Olympics, baby. Step 1, Jamaican flag tied on as cape with as many gold medals dangling in the front as you can tolerate; bonus points for writing “the greatest athlete” on each medal and in big letters on the cape. Step 2, Jamaican team shirt with black running shorts. Step 3, affix giant-size nametag with “BOLT” written on it. Step 4, strike poses everywhere you go as if you were a super-hero or WWE wrestler. Seriously though, Usain Bolt is awesome.

5) Put on any outfit that would not imply upper-class status, bonus if you can appear ethnic in any way. Put “47%” on a sign around your neck. Then ask for free drinks at the bar, and when you are refused, say you are “entitled to them.”

6) Craft a large, hard-bound book costume. Write “Britannica” along the binding. Write on cover, “Internet 1 – Print 0. Well played Wikipedia.”

7) Possibly easiest costume to do, or create variations of: Pig tails. Duck lips. Patterned vest circa 1990s. “Ermahgerd!”

8) Dress up like barbarian, a la Conan, but skinny and surfer-dude-like; see “John Carter.” Scrawl the phrase “Epic Fail” across your chest. For bonus points wear Mickey Mouse ears.

9) Team costume for two people, one significantly taller than the other: Find a pig, live or plush toy. Both people dress up like obnoxious princesses wearing hot pink tutus, then shove Cheetos and sugary beverages down your throats; utilize fat suits and/or padding for better effect. Be certain to say the most unimaginably dumb things. Welcome to “Honey Boo Boo.” Caution: doing this might damage your brain more than the alcohol.

10) Put on makeup to create the look of a very old, wrinkled man with a scowl. Carry around an empty chair and talk to it. You get the joke. Please note, tying a noose to the chair and dragging it along could get you into trouble.

11) Space suit with Apollo 11 badge and zombie makeup. I wonder what zombies would look like on the moon, walking? Wait, never mind, I’ve seen “Thriller.”

12) Not so much a costume as it is advice. No matter what costume you have, if it involves a mask or something “offensive” — basically every joke here and more — do not attempt to see a horror movie at an AMC theater. Better yet, consider not attending any movie theater on Halloween if you are costume-inclined.