Witte: Education now made profitable!


Photo: Andrus Nesbitt/Iowa State Daily

On Wednesday, Nov. 30, prospective students took the daily tour with parents and family members. Tours take place throughout the day.

Jacob Witte

The following is a “speech” given by an orientation tour guide of Iowa State University, Inc. around the year 2025.

“Welcome, students and parents, to this tour of Iowa State University, Incorporated. The last few years have seen a rather substantial shake up of the former public universities of Iowa, but now that the university has been privatized, compartmentalized, streamlined and purchased in controlling amounts by various corporations, it is our firm belief here at ISU, Inc. that education in this state will be as stable, structured, and as profitable as ever!

“As changes are still being enacted all around campus, several things are not marked on the maps that are you in your possession. First, as we approach the newly renamed Bank of America Building, formerly known as Ross Hall, we will see that it is now the center for financial aid and a student bank as well. It will also house offices and storage space from other departments on campus. Also, as we head up this walkway here, we can see Catt — excuse me, Wal-Mart Hall, which is no longer home to the former College of Liberal Arts and Sciences. It is now an expansion of Gerdin Hall of Business that we passed earlier.

“Along those lines, for those students looking for the College of Liberal Arts and Sciences, you will have no luck finding it in the course catalogue. You are encouraged to enroll in the newly restructured College of Humanities, which is being co-sponsored by News Corporation and Koch Industries. These two wonderful companies jumped at the opportunity to fund the staff and curriculum of the College of Humanities, and we should all be grateful for their contributions.

“This year, we have some very exciting developments going on at ISU, Inc. First, a test plot of soybeans will be planted in the middle of Central Campus in the spring as part of a research initiative by Monsanto and John Deere. These companies, in part, purchased the College of Agriculture and Life Sciences, and also several acres across campus. So later this fall, students will have the great opportunity to volunteer to help prepare this land with the help from DOW Chemical.

“Another new development that we are pleased to announce is the partnership with Hunziker Real Estate and the construction of vast new apartment and dormitory complexes in the soccer complex and the softball fields across from the newly renamed Budweiser Stadium. Because enrollment has now breached the 45,000 mark, we feel that new living spaces must be made available. The groundbreaking ceremony will commence the first day of classes, and construction will be finished by the middle of the semester, so sign up for leases today!

“There are many facilities on campus that are here for you students, should you need help with health issues, technological problems, etc. The Pfizer Health Center is now available and is located on the west side of campus. Should you have any health or medical concerns, or if you just want to pick up prophylactics in bulk, Pfizer will be there to help.

“Also, if you are looking for help with any computer or other technological problems, Facebook Hall, located just west of the Barnes & Noble, is there to serve your needs. You can have all of your smartphone problems taken care of so you can get back to playing games during class in no time.

“We are also pleased to announce that every residence hall on campus has just been furnished with brand new television screens and the latest and greatest in video game and home entertainment technology, courtesy of Best Buy. Amazon has also provided the newest Kindles for your textbook needs; no more heavy books, and, better yet, there are even games on the Kindles too!

“Saturdays this fall will be even more exciting for youth in the Ames area. Ever since the NCAA was privatized several years ago, alcohol has now been approved for sale at sporting events, and thanks to the Iowa Legislature’s decision to lower the drinking age to 15, your socializing needs will be served with the expansion new tailgating territories after the destruction of the two theaters, Fisher and CY Stephens, at the Iowa State Center! Gooooo Cyclones!

“We here at ISU, Inc. are looking forward to the new potential that is at hand this year and for years to come. The possibilities for the expansion of the mind are limitless, and we feel that we can serve this need better than ever before. There is only one thing that the old style of education was missing, and that has now been solved. The profit motive is the reason that education exists. Not only does the mind profit, but so do the shareholders of all the companies that now own this great center of education. It is really a win-win situation, and a situation that all will yield great results!”