Grask: Thinking before speaking

Tyler Grask

Certain people think it’s necessary to have an opinion on everything, as if they have something to say. Newsflash: Sometimes it’s better to keep your mouth shut.

Stating the obvious being a classic example.  Who knows, this might even earn you a neat nickname like … captain obvious. You should not be proud of this. Simple solution is thinking before you say something. It’s a novel idea, but not a good one.  Your two cents aren’t always a bad thing, and can lead to insightful conversations, especially after kicking back a few. Ideas spread rapidly, and crowd-sourcing isn’t always a bad thing, but if the group consensus is to water your crops with Brawnd-o, you might want to re-think just how much you care about everyone’s feelings. 

When I think of commentary, I think of sharp-as-a-sack-of-marbles NFL commentators the major networks pay to babble while I’m trying to watch the game. John Madden is a classic example. “When you move the football forward, you will get closer to scoring, and if you get closer to scoring, your chances of winning are better, so, you want to try and move the ball toward where you score: this is good. I’m John Madden.”

Even with the retirement of everyone’s favorite gridiron sage, the stupidity continues. Take Cris Collingsworth – during the Tuesday night Eagles vs. Vikings game, his ‘Two Cents’ segment was so bad, I wished I could switch bodies with him Freaky Friday style so I could punch myself in the face for being stupid. 

So, it’s well into the second half and the Eagles are down. The Vikings suck this year — I think taking pictures of your dork might be scientifically proven to hinder your throwing game now. Anyway, the week before, the Eagles pulled off an insane comeback — scoring 28 points in the final six minutes to beat the Giants. It was epic. Yet a week later, with the Eagles as the obvious favorite, they’re managing to suck every bit as hard as the Vikings.

What’s Collingsworth say?

“Well, you had to see this coming after the victory last week.”

Um, no.  You don’t see this coming. When you pull off a great comeback against a playoff team, you should expect to beat a sub-.500, especially with the kind of luck the Vikings have had this year.

The best part was that Al Michaels, his co-announcer, calling him out on it “…how did you possibly see this taking place?” During a Live broadcast. Al Michaels keeps it real. 

It’s not just the NFL, by any means. If you’ve ever watched a UFC event, odds are Mike Goldberg will, at some point during the telecast, say something monumentally stupid. These, ladies and gentlemen, are the moments when you can truly appreciate the comic sensibilities of Mr. Joe Rogan. 

Bill Engvall, if you’ve been so lucky to have never seen the Blue Collar Comedy Tour, is the genius behind ‘Here’s Your sign’. In a nutshell, stupid people state obvious things, and apparently win a sign from Bill thereafter? 

He gives one example where he had engine trouble, and he’s on the road’s shoulder. A man pulls over to offer assistance, and asks if Bill’s truck had broken down. We’ve all had moments like this, but it goes to show that general stupidity does make for good comedy. We’re not all rocket surgeons, sure, but you’ve got your imitators. It’s best to laugh at them, or ignore them. Whatever suits you. You may even be a captain yourself?

Penn and Teller have five seasons of the show “Bullshit!” up on Netflix, absolutely demolishing the rampant, socially-embraced stupidity most of us have heard on a daily basis. Everything from the merits of the death penalty to the pyramid scheme of ‘organic’ farming is thoroughly examined and summarily crushed, the way it should be. That’s great, hippie, don’t eat steak. More for me. But don’t sit there and try to feed me holier-than-thou garbage about how it’s ‘healthier’ or more ‘humane’. 

I don’t know, I just get sick of the overall stupidity of ‘two cents’ and small talk. ‘Oh look, the weather outside is exactly as I have described it. Fancy that!’ Why yes, yes it is. Maybe I’m a smart ass. I’m okay with that. 

We should hold one another accountable for the nonsense that comes out of our mouths. Punch them in the arm, laugh it off, or look disgusted, but don’t stand for verbal diarrhea. 

Something like 100 percent of the people on this campus have the privilege of a college education. We’re supposed to be the best and brightest. Who knew?