RJ’s thoughts on everything from Nebraska to Halloween

Rj Green

  • I’d like to take this time to remind everyone that female

    participation in no-shave November is most definitely frowned


  • Three days of Halloween last weekend, and I don’t think I saw a

    single Jersey Shore costume. Well done, Iowa State, well


  • Election night reminded me of the end of “The Empire Strikes

    Back.” That or being in the middle of the human centipede in “Human


  • If you love your girlfriend, you should take her to Aunt

    Maude’s. She’ll be impressed. In fact, you will be impressed with

    how impressed she is. 

  • I don’t know why I dole out relationship advice — I’m great at

    getting girls to fall in love with me, I’m not so great at keeping

    things that way.

  • I was asked the other day what all of my ex-girlfriends would

    agree was the best thing about me. My reply? “That I’m gone.”

  • To the pretty girls who have given up on the makeup for the

    winter and traded miniskirts for sweats and a ponytail: I love each

    and every one of you. Keep up the good work.

  • Ke$ha’s music sounds like bag full of cats lit on fire and

    auto-tuned over a techno beat. I’m sure she’s a nice girl, but

    someone needs to make it stop. 

  • Not to pick fights, but why do people think anyone cares

    whether or not they’re offended? Isn’t that a personal


  • That reminds me of the Parent’s Television Council. They’re

    responsible for about 90 percent of the complaints to the FCC

    regarding “indecent” content on TV. Here’s an idea — change the


  • I support your right not to like my column, but on behalf of

    the cluttered inboxes of my editors — if you’ve got something

    constructive to say, I’ve got e-mail.

  • My one-word book review of the week — Ayn Rand’s “Atlas

    Shrugged”: Timely.

  • Why the hate for Nebraska? Because my parents raised me the

    right way, that’s why. Dad always wanted twin defensive ends for

    Iowa — sorry, Dad — and Mom graduated from our wonderful university

    — with honors — in 1975. I grew up just outside of oh-so-classy

    Council Bluffs. Back home, it isn’t Hawks vs. Clones, it’s

    everybody vs. Nebraska. I don’t see the point of living in Iowa and

    rooting for Nebraska, but you’ll see red flags waving well before

    you get to the river. Better dead than red, I say.

  • Good-natured kidding aside, I’ll give credit where credit is

    due — the girls in Lincoln are absolutely gorgeous. I’m not saying

    that we don’t have pretty girls on campus, I’m just saying they

    have a lot more than we do. Full sets of teeth and everything.

  • Dad said I should stop making fun of the Nebraska cheerleaders.

    I had this image of a lynching party comprised of

    red-and-white-clad blonde girls coming to do me in, but in all

    honestly, it’s the male cheerleaders that scare me. Those dudes are

    jacked and peppy. I can’t juggle hundred-pound girls like


  • … Well, at least not with my arms. Hey-o.
  • Did you guys watch “The Walking Dead” on AMC? You should have.

    An R-rated zombie series directed by the guy who wrote “The

    Shawshank Redemption” is my definition of entertainment. Thumbs


  • Internet companies should charge you like the electric company,

    that is, charge you for what you actually use. Like, say I order

    two large pizzas and the guy on the phone says it’ll be there in

    five minutes, takes my money, and then three hours later a hobo on

    a lawnmower shows up with a rotten banana and says, “Hey, here’s

    your pizza.” That’s what my Internet connection is like. Let me

    steal music and movies while I play “Halo,” Magic Internet Man!


  • See how I was hypocritical with the entitled whining there? I

    should be a politician. 

  • Brad Childress needs to go. Favre’s elbow obviously can’t

    handle completing passes and taking cell phone pictures of little

    Brett, but I can still understand letting him run the team into the

    ground for sentimental reasons. Cutting Randy Moss? That’s

    ridiculous. It’s not like he’s T.O. — the guy is worth every penny.

    The Vikings traded a third-round pick for 13 receptions and two

    touchdowns. You’re paying him for four hours on Sunday, not his


  • I wish there was more live music in town. I can’t remember the

    last time a nationally-touring act came through. Bo Burnham is

    funny, sure, but it wasn’t too long ago that we were getting visits

    from Jack Johnson, A Perfect Circle, and Old Crow Medicine Show.

    Not that I can blame anyone for not wanting to visit Ames.


  • Diane Lane and Mary-Louise Parker give me hope for middle age.


  • What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice for too long?


  • Stay classy.