RJ’s thoughts on everything from Nebraska to Halloween
November 9, 2010
- I’d like to take this time to remind everyone that female
participation in no-shave November is most definitely frowned
upon.
- Three days of Halloween last weekend, and I don’t think I saw a
single Jersey Shore costume. Well done, Iowa State, well
done.
- Election night reminded me of the end of “The Empire Strikes
Back.” That or being in the middle of the human centipede in “Human
Centipede.”
- If you love your girlfriend, you should take her to Aunt
Maude’s. She’ll be impressed. In fact, you will be impressed with
how impressed she is.
- I don’t know why I dole out relationship advice — I’m great at
getting girls to fall in love with me, I’m not so great at keeping
things that way.
- I was asked the other day what all of my ex-girlfriends would
agree was the best thing about me. My reply? “That I’m gone.”
- To the pretty girls who have given up on the makeup for the
winter and traded miniskirts for sweats and a ponytail: I love each
and every one of you. Keep up the good work.
- Ke$ha’s music sounds like bag full of cats lit on fire and
auto-tuned over a techno beat. I’m sure she’s a nice girl, but
someone needs to make it stop.
- Not to pick fights, but why do people think anyone cares
whether or not they’re offended? Isn’t that a personal
problem?
- That reminds me of the Parent’s Television Council. They’re
responsible for about 90 percent of the complaints to the FCC
regarding “indecent” content on TV. Here’s an idea — change the
channel.
- I support your right not to like my column, but on behalf of
the cluttered inboxes of my editors — if you’ve got something
constructive to say, I’ve got e-mail.
- My one-word book review of the week — Ayn Rand’s “Atlas
Shrugged”: Timely.
- Why the hate for Nebraska? Because my parents raised me the
right way, that’s why. Dad always wanted twin defensive ends for
Iowa — sorry, Dad — and Mom graduated from our wonderful university
— with honors — in 1975. I grew up just outside of oh-so-classy
Council Bluffs. Back home, it isn’t Hawks vs. Clones, it’s
everybody vs. Nebraska. I don’t see the point of living in Iowa and
rooting for Nebraska, but you’ll see red flags waving well before
you get to the river. Better dead than red, I say.
- Good-natured kidding aside, I’ll give credit where credit is
due — the girls in Lincoln are absolutely gorgeous. I’m not saying
that we don’t have pretty girls on campus, I’m just saying they
have a lot more than we do. Full sets of teeth and everything.
- Dad said I should stop making fun of the Nebraska cheerleaders.
I had this image of a lynching party comprised of
red-and-white-clad blonde girls coming to do me in, but in all
honestly, it’s the male cheerleaders that scare me. Those dudes are
jacked and peppy. I can’t juggle hundred-pound girls like
that.
- … Well, at least not with my arms. Hey-o.
- Did you guys watch “The Walking Dead” on AMC? You should have.
An R-rated zombie series directed by the guy who wrote “The
Shawshank Redemption” is my definition of entertainment. Thumbs
up.
- Internet companies should charge you like the electric company,
that is, charge you for what you actually use. Like, say I order
two large pizzas and the guy on the phone says it’ll be there in
five minutes, takes my money, and then three hours later a hobo on
a lawnmower shows up with a rotten banana and says, “Hey, here’s
your pizza.” That’s what my Internet connection is like. Let me
steal music and movies while I play “Halo,” Magic Internet Man!
WAAAH!
- See how I was hypocritical with the entitled whining there? I
should be a politician.
- Brad Childress needs to go. Favre’s elbow obviously can’t
handle completing passes and taking cell phone pictures of little
Brett, but I can still understand letting him run the team into the
ground for sentimental reasons. Cutting Randy Moss? That’s
ridiculous. It’s not like he’s T.O. — the guy is worth every penny.
The Vikings traded a third-round pick for 13 receptions and two
touchdowns. You’re paying him for four hours on Sunday, not his
personality.
- I wish there was more live music in town. I can’t remember the
last time a nationally-touring act came through. Bo Burnham is
funny, sure, but it wasn’t too long ago that we were getting visits
from Jack Johnson, A Perfect Circle, and Old Crow Medicine Show.
Not that I can blame anyone for not wanting to visit Ames.
Ever.
- Diane Lane and Mary-Louise Parker give me hope for middle age.
Schwing.
- What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice for too long?
Polaroids.
- Stay classy.
