The easiest way to make it big

Edward Leonard

How does one go about becoming famous? The life of a celebrity is something often idolized and something most people secretly want. But the path there eludes most people their whole lives.

So how do we do it?

Well we have the obvious “become a dictator and threaten everyone in the world with nukes,” but that’s out for most American citizens. Our current system of government is far too stable.

So let’s look at a case study — perhaps the least qualified famous person on earth.

Paris Hilton started her life like you or me. She had a standard childhood, I would imagine getting such typical Christmas gifts as ponies and Maserati cars. She went to school everyday, spending time as locker buddies with other average children of international ambassadors or other heirs and heiresses. Normal in every way.

She ended up getting expelled her senior year of high school and never even got a diploma, although she does have her GED.

So why is she more famous than you or me?

Two words. Sex tape.

After the release of her homemade porno, a quality production shot in night-vision and entitled “1 Night in Paris,” her name would be forever remembered. This quality production clearly showcased her talent and allowed her to become the actress/singer/songwriter/fashion designer/author/model that she is.

And this path to stardom is not unique to her.

Sure, the beach balls on Pam Anderson’s chest got her a role on “Baywatch,” but a second-rate TV show is hardly the means to celebrity immortality.

So she made a sex tape. Or two. Boom! Suddenly she’s the drool-worthy idol of every teen boy for a decade. She even gets a Comedy Central roast.

And it’s still happening. Ever wonder why you know Kim Kardashian’s name? How her whole family ended up on a reality show? Sex tape. Before 2007, no one new her name. Then she dates a singer, screws him for a camera and poof! Fame and fortune.

Next up is apparently Kendra Wilkinson. Remember her from that show “Girls Next Door”? Neither do I. But apparently, this classy dame was one of the “girlfriends” of none other than Hugh Hefner.

Her lack of notoriety won’t survive much longer, though; Vivid Entertainment — the same crew who released Kardashian’s — recently leaked her sex tape.

All of these girls were, naturally, outraged that their personal lives had been so grievously violated. Their first instinct was to sue the pants off — no pun intended — of everyone they could think of, but eventually they all ended up settling for a hefty share of the profits, which is the next best thing to having their dignity back.

So there you have it; the surefire formula for joining the ranks of the rich and famous. Drop your dignity, along with your pants, bang for a camera and post it on the Internet. It’s a beautiful system.