Greetings, n00bs! I come in peace, because I am forever alone. I am from the Internet.

Yes, I am one of those infamous /b/tards that everyone keeps hearing about. I’m the scourge of the Internet. I troll. I drink Mountain Dew by the Gallon. I am Anon.

Ladies and gentlemen, I am taking over. Since Al Gore invented that great series of tubes that is the interblag, we, the misanthropes of the world, have found each other and our place in society: at the top, ruling over all of you socializers.

And I am well on my way. Ever since it was discovered that my home is not a big truck, the rest of the world has been relying more and more on the information, communication options and porn of the blogosphere. And my not so subtle presence has been growing ever stronger.

Have you ever laughed at a cat picture? Did that cat, by chance, ask you for a cheezburger? Did it have proper command of grammar and/or spelling? I didn’t think so. You’re welcome.

But I haven’t stopped there. I heard you liek mudkipz. So I gave them to you, en masse. And we’ve made it our personal duties to make sure that Justin Bieber never, ever shows his tragically Canadian face outside of North Korea.

I’ve been seen in every aspect your life, having influenced everything from Oprah — how else would she have known that there are “over 9,000 penises … all raping children?” She wouldn’t, and pedobear would still be the mascot for pedophiles everywhere. Someone had to stop him. We are heroes.

I have even started showing my face in public. I have been brought outdoors, brothers and sisters. The legion who never forgives and never forgets has had our first taste of the sun, and our trolling has been brought to new heights. The Church of Scientology will never recover from my real-life wrath.

And we are innovators. I have been Newton, Shakespeare, Galileo and Urban VIII. I have time traveled, solved the fuel crisis and all of Earth’s overpopulation issues. I am what the world wants, and it’s only a matter of time until all your base are belong to us.

So imagine the utopia when I am in control. Those who can triforce will finally be recognized as the superior beings that we are, and the n00bs will know our strength. Kanye West will be able to interrupt whoever he wants, and Xhibit will pimp everyone’s lives beyond recognition. The world will finally recognize the wisdom of advice dog. Courage wolf will be a source of inspiration to the masses, and those who argue with the trolls will be sent to his brother, insanity wolf, for reconditioning.

There will be gothapotamus hunting parties, and when wild snorlaxes appear they will be dealt with appropriately. Everyone will supply pics, or it didn’t happen. The true power of rule 34 will be known and feared. And everyone will lose the game.

So, citizens of the real world, now you know me. You know what I stand for, and you are prepared for my coming; like a raptor Jesus atop bear cavalry. I will leave you with one last bit of wisdom before I leave you to consider the wisdom I have imparted:

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