If you like your incandescent light bulbs, stock up now. According to U.S. News and World Report, you’ll begin seeing fewer and fewer of them in stores in 2012, and none by 2014. However, U.S. News says “don’t be surprised if some manufacturers phase out earlier.” That’s right. We’re actually banning the incandescent light bulb. I’ll bet Edison is pissed.

This is the switch to compact fluorescent light bulbs, the newest step in energy-saving, carbon-emission-reducing, “our friend the Earth” legislation. Look, it’s cool if you want to keep your heat low and recycle every scrap of paper and eat nothing but granola and dried fruit – thank you for caring so much. But that’s your decision. The government shouldn’t have the prerogative to force it on everyone else. And that’s just what they’re doing here.

They also let me know when I’m old enough to smoke and drink and buy girlie magazines. Maybe they’ll get that Twinkie Tax passed soon, so I can know what I should eat for dinner tonight. But for now, they’re just trying to tell me how I should light my way to the bathroom at 2 a.m.

If it were parents telling their adult children to do all this, we’d have a word for it. Controlling. What about when a government tells an entire country? I’ll let you come up with your own word. “Helicopter government,” maybe.

Now really, are light bulbs our biggest problem right now? We hear reports daily of recession, the deficit, Iran’s nuclear weapons and all of the other problems our country faces. And Congress’ answer is to demand that we change our light bulbs. Yeah – that’ll show illegal immigrants what’s what.

And maybe they’re outdated and allegedly don’t live as long, but I love the great granddaddy of all light bulbs. Incandescents remind me of cartoon characters’ crazy ideas and make my apartment cozy. Maybe others want to use compact fluorescents because they save energy or look snazzy with all those spirals or have a different quality of light. That’s fine.

Personally, their light reminds me of hospitals and high schools. Not an ambience I’m looking for in my home.

Did I mention that U.S. News also recommends using a drop cloth when screwing in a new compact fluorescent? But that’s only because it contains five mg of mercury. And you can just start another bag for your bulbs next to your bag for cans to recycle – because you’re going to have to take them to Bondurant to dispose of them safely at the hazardous waste collection site.

The fact that this change is mandated is the real problem. If members of Congress had wanted to promote the use of compact fluorescents, that would have been a different story. But light bulbs really aren’t high enough on the priority list right now to warrant their own law. The way it is, it comes down more to an issue of government control. And all oppressive control starts out with the little things.

I just hope they don’t tell me what books I can read next.

– Bailey Lewis is a sophomore in English from Indianola.