It’s that time of year again: advice season. After a couple of years here, I feel like I can dish it out with the best of them. Like Karl Rove on speed or my mother after a few lattes.

Anyway, I digress. Here’s how to succeed this year:

• Don’t take 8 a.m. classes. That new school year feeling does not last into the cold weather. You won’t want to go, your professors secretly don’t want to be there, and you don’t want to bring on the “real world” sooner than you have to.
• Leave the swans alone. They look pretty, sure, but given their demeanor, you’d think they’re perpetually hungover.
• Don’t go to ISU AfterDark’s bingo nights. I’m sick of not winning. I might not be a math major, but I know I don’t want you worsening my odds of winning an iPod. Or hell, even a T-shirt.
• Catch the intramural T-shirt bug. It’s nice, because it ranges from athletic (flag football, ice hockey) to my speed (Texas hold ’em, euchre, hearts) to bar-worthy (foosball!). Besides, there are few things in life better than free T-shirts. Especially ones other people covet.
• Don’t shut down your Facebook account midyear because you realize just how much of your life you’ve wasted. It really upsets people when their friend count suddenly drops by one, or even worse, two or three.
• Make friends with your favorite professors. They’ve seen it all, and as much as it pains me to admit, I think their advice is worth more than mine.
• Don’t owe more to the DPS Parking Division than you do in tuition money. I am yet to figure this one out. Oh, and it’s not funny to have someone’s car towed just because you can.
• Call your parents. Or at least find weird ways to let them know you’re still alive. (Hi, Mom!)
• “Law and Order” is on TV practically the entire day, or at least until Fred Thompson declares his presidential candidacy and the equal airtime bs goes into effect. Make sure your midafternoon classes are skippable, because once you start watching Jerry Orbach or Mariska Hargitay, you’re stuck for the next hour.
• If your cell phone’s ringtone is from the ’80s (I’m thinking “The Final Countdown”), leave it on silent at all times. Thanks.
• Don’t procrastinate. Also be sure to consider napping, hallway sports, “Wheel of Fortune,” your roommate’s SNES and anything on the Internet productive uses of your time.
• And, of course, read the Daily. Not only does it include the work of tons of awesome, talented people, it has a crossword and a sudoku. You’ll stay on top of what’s happening on campus.

And with only a fall and half a winter till the caucuses, Hillary and Rudy and Mitt and Fred and John and Barack and Ron will be in Central Iowa constantly. We’ll keep track for you, so you can go study or something.

This year’s going to be a good one. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. After all, it’s not high school.

Josh Hillman is a senior in journalism and mass communication. He is the Daily opinion editor.