I turned 21 this week. Do you remember stepping over that bum on Welch Avenue Tuesday night?

That wasn’t a bum.

Anyway, I’ve reached the age where birthday presents are no longer given.

Yet, I’m na‹ve enough to believe wishes are still granted.

Therefore I give you my 21 wishes for my 21st birthday.

If, in any way, you can contribute to or fulfill a wish, I plead with you to do so.

1) Since signing a contract late last season for $1.1 million per year, Larry Eustachy, the 2000 AP National Coach of the Year and 2001 Big 12 Coach of the Year, has gone 9-13 with his men’s basketball team.

Is he winning 1.1 million dollars’ worth of games? No.

He’s paid like a great coach.

Win like one.

2) That said, the Big 12 this year is nastier than an Andrew Dice Clay punch line.

And the Cyclones are young. Very young.

And the fact that Eustachy kept his mediocre team with the No.2 Kansas Jayhawks Wednesday night is a tribute to his coaching expertise.

So make me chew on a mock turtleneck, coach, when the Cyclones make, say, the Elite Eight next year.

3) Which brings us to the attire.

I know Saks Fifth Avenue isn’t just down the street, but I’m slightly annoyed by the clever people wearing the black mock T to the game while holding up a sign that says something like “Larry’s Long Lost Lad.”

Maybe coach, wear a suit every once and a while. If you don’t confuse them, maybe Hilton Coliseum will start dressing better.

(Not that I can judge; I once wrote a column in my underwear.)

4) Quit using parentheses to enhance a point.

5) Quit talking about writing the column in the column.

6) Over break, ISU football coach Dan McCarney said he’d like to practice in an indoor facility.

Does the football team need to scrimmage in a dome? Sure. Why not. Late fall in Iowa can be colder than the smiles I got from women at the bar Tuesday.

But remember ISU Athletics Director Bruce Van de Velde, yours was the athletic department last spring that had to cut two programs because money was so tight.

Wait five years before breaking ground.

7) And if you can’t wait five years, please Mr. Van de Velde, don’t raise student ticket prices to fund the dome.

I know you’re poor. We’re poor too.

And we have an 18 percent tuition increase to deal with.

8) Dunk.

9) Last week, Shaquille O’Neal’s three-game suspension for fighting was served.

Should Shaq have tried to brawl with the Chicago Bulls? No.

Should NBA teams quit flying off the top ropes in an effort to keep his scoring down? Yes.

I swear, in a game, Shaq has more hands on him than a Madonna video.

10) Go to a Bobby Knight press conference.

Sports Illustrated’s Rick Reilly called Knight “Eight of the worst people I’ve ever met.”

Knight could be addressing the loss of his cat for all I care; I just wanna be there.

11) ABC and ESPN have the rights to about 100 NBA games next year.

Fire Dick Vitale.

12) Fire CBS golf’s Ken Venturi.

13) Hire writer Dan Jenkins in Venturi’s stead.

Remember, Jenkins is the guy who once said his buddy’s swing “was more of a calisthetic than a swing.”

Think of the quips he could muster with Jim Furyk. Furyk’s swing is about as jerky as doing The Hustle under a strobe light.

14) I wish Olympic Figure Skating ratings to plummet.

A new rule will limit the number of “crotch shots” as it’s been called.

Perverts. Grace and beauty, that’s why I watched figure skating.

15) Shoot four rounds of scratch golf.

16) With Heidi Klum serving as caddie.

17) And Heidi Klum serving as cart.

18) If any landlord ever threatens me with an eviction, I wish to cite the Minnesota Twins precedent as reason for me staying.

19) Strut.

20) This is about as long a shot as the ones he currently takes, but I wish Michael Jordan could win the MVP this year.

21) Hurry up global warming.

I want to golf on my 22nd birthday.

Paul Kix is junior in journalism and mass communications from Hubbard.