Can’t trust the Foundation with your stuff

Tim Paluch

I don’t own too much. After all, I’m just a poor and meager college student from a middle-class family.

The little material possessions I do own, however, I cherish very much. My 1982 Donruss Cal Ripken Jr. rookie card, my Chuck Taylor All-Star’s and especially my autographed Ron Jeremy portrait.

It’s my most prized possession. I remember shaking with nervousness as I watched the portly, unshaven star of “The Good, the Bad and the D-cups” and “Frankenpenis” scribble “Keep it up, Tim” on an 8-by-10 photo in a poorly-lighted porn shop. It’s been on my wall ever since.

I originally made plans in my will to donate this little piece of history to the Greenlee School of Journalism and Communication in case I met an early demise, but recent revelations surrounding the mishandling of Marie Powers’ farm by the ISU Foundation has got me worried.

Powers wanted her farm to be maintained by the university, and said so in her will.

The foundation immediately saw dollar signs and sold the farm against the woman’s wishes, misleading a district court in the process.

The Foundation claims Powers never contacted anyone at Iowa State about her desires, so I decided, in order to avoid any confusion, to write the Foundation a detailed letter fully explaining my wishes.

After all, I wouldn’t want them auctioning my pride and joy off on eBay once they determine the Knoll’s ballroom doesn’t entertain enough guests and they need a couple extra bucks.

Here’s a copy of my letter:

Dear Tom Mitchell (ISU Foundation president),

I am writing to inform you of a provision in my will leaving an extremely valuable piece of memorabilia to the Greenlee School of Journalism and Communication. If I were to meet an unfortunate and untimely death, my 8-by-10 autographed portrait of “The King of Porn,” Ron Jeremy, is to be given to the Greenlee School.

Unlike Marie Powers, who, along with her husband, worked and slaved on their family farm until their deaths, I took off work early one Wednesday afternoon last summer to catch a glimpse of the man who put the “fat” in “fat porn star.”

They put a lifetime of work into it and donated the estate to the university they love. And while I wouldn’t cough up the ten bucks for a polaroid, that doesn’t mean one donation is any better or more important than the other.

Powers was the one you said didn’t contact the proper people and got her estate sold; that’s her mistake and I am not going to allow that happen to me.

Do not sell my donation under any circumstance. I am not donating it to make money for the university. I am donating it to educate future journalism students on the life and times of a man who’s been having loveless sex for decades.

It’s no farm, but one man’s garbage is another man’s future family heirloom.

Please abide by my wishes. I know you are a “private, not-for-profit” corporation, but that doesn’t give you the power or the right to disgrace the wishes of hardworking Iowa Staters.

I truly hope the Foundation doesn’t make another “mistake.”

Tim Paluch is a junior in journalism and mass communication from Orland Park, Ill. He is opinion editor of the Daily.