Confessions from a member of the liberal media conspiracy

Bryan Nichols

You might not see me next week. After I divulge the information that is in this column, I would imagine I’ll be abducted in a black helicopter and taken to prison in Havana, or maybe Moscow. But it’s time the public knew.

So here goes: I am part of the vast, left-wing media conspiracy. That’s right. I am only a small cog in the giant liberal conspiracy to clog all of your minds with crazy, incoherent progressive thought.

Did you suspect it? Sure. Who wouldn’t have? After all, the media has been espousing nothing but liberal causes for years. Probably since the advent of the printing press.

So I’m here today to come clean, even if Uncle Fidel will make me roll fine cigars on my pasty, white thighs far into my nether years.

This week is actually one of our (i.e., leftist media’s) favorite times. This week we get to write about that paradigm of bleeding-heart liberalism, Earth Day.

That’s right, we use Earth Day as a front to disseminate our propaganda. This actually isn’t rare. We also use elections, school shootings, presidential addresses . really anything to get our leftist point across.

The problem is that I just can’t carry through with it any longer. I can’t continue to be a part of the conspiracy. I can’t call up Moscow every time I need an idea for a column. So I’m turning in my hotline.

Where does the conspiracy go? All the way to the top. The United Nations actually regulates all of us in conjunction with the communist governments around the world.

So if you’ve suspected the conspiracy all along, you’re right. I’m totally biased. Everyone in the media is, save a few brave men who have been able to confront the truth. One of them is Lowell Ponte, columnist for FrontPage Magazine.

In his recent column, Ponte exposes the awful truth, that American schoolchildren are being forced to celebrate Vladimir Lenin’s birthday, which happens to be April 22. That’s Earth Day.

Ponte describes a conspiracy of the media and environmentalists to expose people to the awful, subversive, Marxist ideas of Lenin. You know something? He’s right.

I’m not going to deny it. In fact, Ponte really underestimates us. The conspiracy is much bigger than Earth Day and all of the “watermelons,” as he calls us – “green on the outside but red on the inside.”

How much bigger? Remember the election? That was part of the conspiracy, too. George W. Bush is really an incredibly intelligent guy. A thinking man’s thinker, as it were. But the folks at the Liberal Media Conspiracy Headquarters (LMCH) just didn’t want him to win. So they told us to rip him.

Rip him we did, just like good little media lackeys. We called him stupid, unqualified, a tool of big business. None of this was true. It was just more propaganda from the LMCH.

What else has been part of the conspiracy? There are truly no limits to our propaganda. Global Warming? Dan Rather made it up on a slow news night. Poor and homeless people? They’re really all actors paid by the LMCH so we have plenty of good human-interest stories to write. They do a pretty good job, don’t they?

The list doesn’t end there. Health insurance crisis? The New York Times made it up in 1987.

We ran with the idea that fetuses weren’t people when one of the LMCH leaders was a satanist in the late ’60s.

Progressive taxation? That was actually an idea that Ted Kennedy came up with when he was drunk. And we loved it.

Pretty much any issue you can name, we at the liberal media slanted it so we could bias America toward our secular, Marxist, hedonistic, immoral way of life. It could have worked so well.

Alas, all good things must come to an end at some point. Maybe the point is now. Rush Limbaugh figured us out. So did David Horowitz. Even people inside this very paper have begun to point to the conspiracy.

So, I guess now I’ll have to start using the “facts.” Obviously they’ll point me to an exciting new journalistic viewpoint. I’ll espouse a flat tax. I’ll rave about the effectiveness of trickle-down economics. It worked great in the ’80s, after all.

More guns, less crime. Lower taxes for the rich equals less poverty and more ice cream. Less government, mo’ better. I can already feel myself start to crack my liberal biases, like Gallagher hammering through one of Lowell Ponte’s “watermelons.”

So now that I’ve exposed the liberal media conspiracy, I hope you, my four readers (Hi Mom!), will forgive my past transgressions. I will no longer be partner to the leftist scheme.

I will watch Fox News every day. I will read Cal Thomas and love it. My bleeding heart will be replaced with a cold, gray replica. I will seek a position at the Cato Institute and argue that House Majority Whip Tom Delay, R-Texas, that no-good hippie, should be more conservative.

I hope everyone will appreciate my new, unbiased point of view. I urge all of my fellow journalists to adopt the same.

With my journalistic tenure ending soon, I can only hope that the truth will reaffirm the beliefs of all of the people who knew about the leftist conspiracy all along. Don’t let the black helicopters get you.

Bryan Nichols is a senior in genetics.