With Christmas looming, athletes and sport personalities have written their demands [see: Wishes] despite their lucrative contracts.

But the omniscient Santa Claus knows best. He has the lowdown on who has been naughty and nice.

So let’s take a peek at Kris Kringle’s first draft list of what wrapped bundles of joy he will be plopping down the chimneys of today’s sports figures.

Mario Lemieux, retired hockey legend, wants: To return to the ice with his old team, the Pittsburgh Penguins.

He gets: Lots of ice. The kind that will be applied to calm his screaming muscles that have not seen action since 1997.

Tiger Woods wants: His feud with the PGA Tour to stop making head-lines.

He gets: Nothing. Santa says, “Tiger has enough moola in his back pocket to buy the PGA Tour and many media conglomerates. Use it to shut everybody up.”

David Duval wants: The monkey off his back. “Just let me win one freakin’ Major,” he begs of Santa.

He gets: A crowbar. “The only way he is winning one,” Santa’s reasoning goes, “is if he hacks Tiger mercilessly.”

Texas Christian University [TCU] wanted: Iowa State head coach Dan McCarney.

According to the Fort Worth Star-Telegram online edition last Wednesday, McCarney interviewed with some Horned Frogs for the head coaching job either Monday or Tuesday of last week.

TCU got: Their own defensive coordinator Gary Patterson to replace former head coach Dennis Franchione, who left for Alabama.

ISU fans get: To breath a collective sigh of relief.

Miami Hurricanes want: The dark bruises received from the Bowl Championship Series shaft to lighten.

They get: An outside chance at being named co-National Champions.

If Florida State beats Oklahoma in the “title game,” and Miami beats Florida in the Sugar Bowl by more points (23) than FSU did in the regular season, the ‘Canes could go home with a a piece of title pie.

John Madden, broadcaster for the NFL on Fox, wants: More telestrators to write on during a broadcast.

He gets: A thesaurus.

Santa says “I’m tired of him referring to every nuance of football as ‘the thing.'” Kringle adds, mimicking Madden’s down-home style “maybe that’ll learn ’em.”

Affluent Redskins owner Daniel Snyder, who reportedly inserted Jeff George as starting quarterback himself over former Redskin starter Brad Johnson, wants: A Super Bowl ring. Badly.

He gets: A cowboy hat from Dallas owner Jerry Jones. “I’ve found my long, lost child,” Jones exults. “That boy can coach … I mean own,” Jones said.

ESPN’s Stuart Scott wants: Another rapper to come up with a catchy, original line for Scott to blatantly plagiarize over and over on “Sportscenter.”

He gets: The Best of Lord of the Riverdance. “Let’s see him think up something with THAT,” Santa says.

Drug-riddled Olympic athletes want: Their medals back.

They get: Abnormal growths on their bodies and various forms of cancer in 15 years.

Baseball free agent Alex Rodriguez wants: a $200 million contract, a private jet, billboards emblazoning his mug … the world.

He gets: A bigger wallet. Santa says, “I’m practical here. I know he will eventually get all that his greed desires. I’m getting him something he can use.”

And finally, the city of Los Angeles wants: a pro football team.

It gets: Possibly the San Diego Chargers, according to ESPN.com.

The Chargers and the city of San Diego are in a mess right now over the lease between the two. L.A. is a good possibility if a move happens.

Los Angeles still wants: a pro football team.