My faith in infomercials has been restored

Jenny Joanning

This weekend, many people, like me, sat down to watch something terrifying. Something heart stopping. Something that made them want to scream out in fear. As you may know, “Scream 3,” the last movie in the trilogy, opened this weekend. Many people flocked to the theaters to see this movie to be entertained and a little scared at the same time. I did not.

I did watch something that I am sure was just as frightening, however.

If you are like me, you have found yourself, at sometime, channel surfing late at night and have ended up watching an infomercial. I think I may have found the scariest one by far this weekend.

This infomercial was for a facial-muscle-exercising contraption that uses electrodes to tone and tighten your facial muscles. Let me repeat this for everyone out there: It uses electrodes on your face to tone the facial muscle. Am I the only one who finds this extremely frightening?

I have to admit, the woman hosting the show was doing her best to make you think that she was genuinely interested and excited about this product. You almost believed she would club a baby seal to death if it meant she would be able to have the last facial-muscle-toning device on the planet.

One of the more entertaining parts of this infomercial was the woman who was, apparently, the “brains” behind the product. This woman, like most people selling a product on infomercials, was not only selling it, but also used it. Her face look like someone had pulled all the skin on her face back to her ears. Very attractive.

There was also a very amusing part where one of the women giving a testimonial pulled on the skin around her cheek. It stretched like some kind of rubber or silly putty. I thought this was kind of amusing. My roommate did not.

However, the best part by far was when they had a model come out who had never used the product before. She let the crazy lady with the overly stretched skin stick this device with electrodes on her face as she sat there smiling as it made her face muscles involuntarily contract.

Oh, yes. The electrodes shooting through the face, causing the user’s eyes and mouth to twitch was the biggest selling point these women could find.

I don’t know if it is just me, but the minute a product causes any part of the body to go into involuntary muscle spasms and twitching, that is not a good thing. In fact, that is a bad thing.

Apparently, the model did not agree with me, though. She twice described the twitching as “invigorating.”

Nothing like a little involuntary twitching and uncontrollable muscle spasms to start the morning out right.

Besides this infomercial, however, this form of selling can lots of times be very effective.

One of my personal favorites is the Quick and Brite infomercial. How many times have I been watching that informercial at night and by the end of the show been convinced that, if only I had some Quick and Brite of my own, my whole apartment would be sparkling clean.

If I had a nickel for every time that happened, I would maybe have 50 cents.

That really isn’t that much money. But, that is 10 times I have seriously considered cleaning my apartment. That is probably more times than my apartment has actually been clean.

I think this kind of infomercial never stops working because no one ever really gets tired of watching someone take a piece of clothing covered in blood and completely clean it with a small drop of some magic cleaner.

No one ever really cares that this person has clothes covered in blood. If this describes you, I think you have bigger issues than what kind of all-purpose cleaner you use.

Another great one is the Magic Wallet infomercial. This one may not really be an infomercial as much as it is just a commercial, but it is great just the same.

If you have seen this one, then you know what I am talking about. All it is, is a small, rectangular wallet-type thing that you open from one side and stick your money or receipts in. Here’s where the “magic” in the Magic Wallet comes in. If you opened it from the other side, your money is magically held in place by an elastic band and won’t fall out.

It is possibly the greatest thing I have ever seen.

Between the Quick and Brite and the Magic Wallet, my faith in the great infomercial has been somewhat restored. It’s the infomercials like the freaky facial muscle toner that make me wonder what the world is coming to.

However, if you like the idea of involuntary muscle spasms and skin that looks two sizes too small for your skull, I highly suggest you buy the face muscle toner. But you don’t have to take my word for it. There was a very convincing doctor who read the cue cards with such passion and emotion that you just had to believe her.


Jenny Joanning is a junior in journalism and mass communications from Norwalk