Even though I am a man of science, I am now forced to concede that Darwin was wrong. Mankind is no longer evolving into a higher plane of existence, but rather devolving into a pitiful excuse for a species.

I say this with confidence because I have personally observed that society is being overrun by ravenous hordes of the terminally stupid.

These people are no longer confined to areas like New Jersey or the Quad Cities, but have instead saturated the entire planet.

My hypothesis is that the intellectually challenged are reproducing at a much faster rate than intelligent people, and this is a serious problem.

I’m not exactly sure what to do, but my favorite idea is birth control in the water supply. Unfortunately, forced social engineering is out. Besides, big government is too ponderous to do it efficiently.

Dumb people would not take kindly to being told that they were a burden to society, and most people are so selfish and stupid that they would keep procreating no matter what speeches you made or cash incentives you offered.

So the result is that you and I run the risk of eventually being bred out of society.

Your one or two geniuses are no match for six or seven imbeciles, and this means that despite our best efforts, the tides of ignorance will sweep across the globe. The face of society will soon be replaced with a blank stare.

Thankfully, I have a plan that will require absolutely no sacrifice on your part. In fact, you’ll probably love my idea.

Simply put, if we can’t stop the stupid people from breeding, then we’ll just out-breed them.

It’s a workable plan, really.

Just wait until you are in your late twenties or early thirties and are well-off financially, then start pumping out the kids. By that time you should have the means and the maturity to raise your own bundles of joy, reducing the risk of dysfunctional family syndrome and severe child-induced alcoholism.

Think about it. Do you really want to be tied down with kids when you are still young and can enjoy life, or do you want to be changing diapers in the middle of the night at the age of twenty-five?

With my plan you can be young and have all the fun you want, and as you get older still have as much sex as possible.

Unfortunately, my plan has a flaw in it. I recently saw the results of a survey involving married couples and their frequency of sex, as broken down by education. The results were very depressing.

The survey found that as people became more educated, their sexual activity declined significantly. The segment that had the most sex? Those possessing only a high school education and unable to program their VCR clocks.

Now I’m not sure why this is. You could make a case for socio-economic factors and argue that smarter people get better jobs and can thus afford trips to Disney World instead of engaging in sex.

However, I have a sneaking suspicion that education is the main culprit. I believe that as you fill your head with more and more book knowledge, your brain tries to make room by throwing out the oldest stuff. This is probably why you can’t remember what your parents got you for your seventh birthday, or the name of the pet goldfish that died when you forgot to feed it.

This means that by the time you’ve received your Ph.D., sex is but a distant memory. Now that I think about it, maybe I won’t go on to grad school.

But once again, I have a solution.

My Spanish teacher always said repetition was the key to mastery, and I can only conclude that what held true for a foreign language must work in other areas.

Thus, to ensure that carnal knowledge does not fall by the wayside, I must advocate sex. Lots of it. The more crazy, freaky, monkey-sounding circus sex the better. Turn this campus into a whorehouse!

This plan will work as long as you don’t have any kids, so for God’s sake practice responsibly. You’re no good to me if you drop out of college because you got pregnant and have an extra mouth to feed.

Then you just become one of the ignorant masses, condemned to a life of poverty and below-average intelligence. Your only consolation is that the pope will now like you.

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Aaron Woell is a junior in political science from Bolingbrook, Ill.