Satire: 88-year-old unopposed politician wants the thrill of beating someone again


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Grant Tetmeyer

The race for local office has finally become too dull for 88-year-old incumbent Greta Van Creek. She has been an elected official for 50 years and hasn’t been challenged in over 30 years. She is on the City Council, school board, is a state House Representative and is within the governor’s secret circle that decides which babies do and don’t get eaten. She has effectively “run this town” for most of our lives.

But now, she has issued a challenge. She is seeking a challenger to one of her seats after the 12th uncontested election. “I want to take someone on again. Having unquestioned power for the last 30 years has been great, but I’m ready for a challenge again.” She then promptly left and took a number of massive pills from a pill caddy. At least one was for Alzheimer’s, or at least that’s what I overheard.

And a number of candidates have answered Van Creek’s challenge. A blanket CEO, a “ former”  scam artist from Long Island, a young college grad named Kyle and Matt Campbell have all thrown their hats into the ring to take over Van Creek. Since she has such absolute power, this year’s election will be an all in one. Meaning you’ll get to pick the best candidate to cover all of Van Creek’s positions so we “don’t have to waste everyone’s time with a bunch of pointless small elections”

Van Creek is currently leading in the poles, with the runner up being Matt Campbell. When asked what his plans would be if he won. Campbell responded saying, “You know I’d just try to be tough and instill that be tough attitude to every member of the team, I mean community. To build a five star town you need five star culture. Also I get a pay raise right?

Clearly this is going to be a tight race, but I’m the end the real winner is Iowa State football.