Satire: Three ways to avoid eye contact on CyRide


The metal people tube that transports all the people you don’t want to interact with, learn to avoid how to look at other people.

Drew Simon

The temperatures are finally beginning to drop and as the sidewalks transform into ice rinks, using CyRide to get to class will become more crucial than ever. Now many out there will claim that learning what routes go where is the most crucial thing to learn, but any advanced CyRider knows the secret to success on any ride is avoiding eye contact with everyone on the bus… at all costs. 


Now normally we can rely on the endless amount of apps on our phone to distract us, but what about the doomsday scenario? What do you do when your phone is dead? Well, thanks to the Daily Diatribes you now have three tried and true methods to avoid eye contact with people on the Cyride when you have no tech to distract your stare.


The “did I leave the stove on?”

A true classic to any eye-avoiding scenario you may find yourself in. Simply squint your eyes in confusion, tilt your head, look up at the sky and then to stall time, simply dart your eyes back and forth as if you’re watching an extremely slow tennis match. Possibly even pass time by actually contemplating life’s strangest questions while in this pose. What event happened that made every bar in Ames remove their male bathroom stall doors? Why can I legally buy a cartful of Four Lokos at Kum and Go but not a joint at the smoke shop? How many red pantsuits does Wendy really own? 


The Frat Dude Gaze 

Be warned, this move is not for the faint of heart. In order to properly pull off the frat dude gaze slightly slouch into your seat, stare right ahead, and simply let your eyes glaze over. Keep your head completely upright and remember to simply clear your head of any worries. You’re on top of the world, the most attractive person on campus and nothing can stop you. Simultaneously exude confidence while letting people know there is simply nothing going on behind those eyes of yours. The great part about the frat dude gaze is that if it is pulled off correctly, you can stay in this stance for quite literally hours, and trust us, not even the most distracting passenger will be able to shake you from this comatose state. 


The Manifesto Author

Props are needed to pull off this distraction. For the manifesto author technique simply take out a pen and pencil and scribble down sentences as quickly and dramatically as possible. My favorite thing to do while practicing this distraction technique is to simply write down the name of every one of my friends who have somehow made it to college and have still never left the state of Iowa. That normally can fill up about two pages and takes just enough time for me to ride from my house to central campus without any unwelcome eye contact.