Just drop out already


A prime location for your new life with a real estate office and grocery store above it, this bridge with Main Street overhead comes with complimentary ASMR sounds from the cars zipping by Grand Ave.

Chasey Sedam

What are you waiting for? If you thought it, just do it. There is not a single thing standing in your way from rolling over and giving up.

Would you rather go to that lecture alone where no one even knows your name, or would you rather have no bills, no responsibilities, and no one to say “you will never pass this class with grades like this.” Let me tell you how to make all of your dreams come true.

What if I told you there are at least 10 bridges in Ames, Iowa? This means that there are at least 10 free homes in Ames. What if I told you there was a huge bridge project including 20 bridges near Iowa City? Sounds like a great new housing addition to me! Now you could keep giving a bunch of old white guys nearly $10,000 for in-state or even nearly $25,000 for out-of-state tuition, or you could live under a bridge with no debt and a lovely community of homeless people who love you no matter your grades.

Under a bridge you will find many great friends with nothing but love to share. They might even share their upside-down shopping cart grill with you.

Think of it this way, do you want to keep seeing Sophia in class with her Birkenstocks and oversized t-shirt that she wears as a dress while she scrolls Instagram and makes posts about Busch Light seltzers? All of this while you are wondering if you can make rent this month or if you even have any cheese left for your normal grilled cheese and ramen dinner that you eat while studying for a chemistry exam that you will inevitably fail. Just face it, it isn’t worth it. Your life is failing and you are on the edge of needing real psychiatric help. Don’t worry, we can help.

Here are easy steps to dropout of college and live under a bridge:

Step 1: Talk to your adviser and let them know that you are just far too cool for school and you refuse to let some lame wannabe take any more of your money. Your advisor will likely try to talk you out of it and this is because they are posers who have no concept of reality.

Step 2: Tell your roommate you are too big and important for a school known for being the inventor of Rice Krispy Treats and blue cheese.

Step 3: Leave your earthly belongings where they are and find your favorite bridge. The first one may not be the best fit so do not be afraid to weigh your options for permanent bridge housing.

In conclusion, college isn’t worth the freedom you lose by not living independently and debt free under a bridge. You are so much better than what college has to offer. You are a strong independent young person who doesn’t need authority to tell them what to do.