Tetmeyer: Hockey vs. baseball


Columinst Grant Tetmeyer discusses the merits of hockey compared to baseball. 

Grant Tetmeyer

Editor’s Note: The following column is a satire piece.

Who decided the hierarchy of sports? Seriously, I have no idea, because it makes absolutely no sense in the absolute world. We are a country that has spent centuries cheaply constructing and poorly maintaining the image of a strong country that loves violence and will rearrange your face, or country, if you so much as look at them the wrong way. We are a “strong” country and our national pastime is baseball. You know, the sport where you can eat, drink, smoke and cheat all at the same time in the span of a seven-hour game that ends 1-0.  

Baseball is currently the third most popular sport in the United States. Hockey is the fourth most popular. Hockey should definitely be the more popular of the two. First of all, hockey is football and baseball but faster, and with players speeding around with sharp blades on their feet. A player could actually cut through their opponents if they aren’t careful, and they have. Meanwhile, in baseball, I will throw a ball really fast directly at you because you hurt my feelings.  

Pitchers are also incredibly soft. They are the biggest egotistical group of primadonnas who have a number of unwritten rules just to make them feel better. Don’t hit on 3-0, especially when your team is up. Don’t step on the mound. Don’t bunt on a no-hitter. Don’t stare at home runs. Don’t talk about a no-hitter or perfect game as it’s happening. I’m actually a true believer of the last one, but it’s still a specific unspoken rule for pitchers. Most pitchers are at the center of a lot of baseball shove-and-scream fests.

Meanwhile, most of the nuance rules in hockey apply to fighting, which is an “unofficial” official part of the game. And you have to either be in a stalemate with the guy or be on the ground before the fight ends. Plus, the puck, or another human being traveling at high speeds, can hit you at any moment in the game. Most of the time, you can see the ball hitting you in baseball.  

It’s not that crazy of a switch. Both originated from European stick ball games and came over with immigrants. Both have long, rich histories. And both have teams in America and Canada. Hockey would definitely help boost ally relations if the border countries who play it share the same enthusiasm for it. More importantly, hockey can satisfy us between football seasons, as both have sculpted, padded men bashing into each other while trying to put a flying object into a goal. 

Hockey is more physical, with a shorter season and games that don’t need a calculator to understand. Also, in hockey, I can watch athletes actually fight for free instead of paying $60 to hopefully see somebody throw a punch and not just hug each other. Plus, who doesn’t want to be a bit more like Canada?