Tetmeyer: Restaurant reinvigoration

Columnist Grant Tetmeyer explains how it may actually be a good idea to eat at local restaurants rather than dining at fast food chains. 

Grant Tetmeyer

Editor’s Note: The following column is a satire piece.

Subway has been dealt another disastrous biological blow to their fresh food facade. For years, this mecha of fresh fast food has sold us the lie that there is a perfect ratio of lettuce, cheese, meat and sauce with never more than six olives. They even hired a criminal to tout this false fresh fairytale. And now, they have been exposed. 

For those who don’t follow current events, Subway has started to serve less and less sandwiches. It began in 2020, when the Irish Supreme Court declared the bread employed by Subway restaurants can’t be classified as bread because of the high sugar content. Then it was discovered through testing that the famous “fresh-sourced tuna” celebrated by customers has been found to be a fraud. It is nothing more than a simple fishy falsehood forced on our feebly food consumption. Not even the chicken is real chicken. It is simply pressed tofu and 3D-printed turkey strips that activate a tracking device, allowing big food to track you and your hunger and gastric levels so they can draw you in to eat plastic food. 

But what we need to focus on now is how we move forward from here. Eating healthy every night has become far too expensive to the point of almost being considered a luxury, and clearly, we can’t trust our local fast food chain restaurant anymore. We might have to actually consider the last and worst alternative: supporting local restaurants. 

Now, I know this is insane. Who really eats any food that doesn’t come in a paper bag shoved out a tiny window after ordering it 30 seconds earlier from the plastic voice of food God? It’s simply primitive, like stone tools or barbecue at a graduation party. If you’re gonna waste the money on catering, at least make it interesting! But though it may seem archaic, you will find that it can be navigated. 

First, remember that it will take time. Since local restaurants actually cook the food and not just warm it up in a $2,000 microwave, it does take it a bit longer to arrive at your face. This comes with the upside of drinking! Since you aren’t driving, you can actually sit and enjoy a drink or two. Or seven. Whoever isn’t driving. 

Second, there are televisions. Since the human attention span is the size of a cashew, there are probably going to be a lot of televisions around. Or at least some good art and music. Or, you can use your phone and sit quietly going through Instagram and painfully avoiding conversation until your food arrives. Still, better than looking at the road. 

I know reverting back to this older form may cause fear of a societal regression. But as we’ve seen from the resurgence of vinyl and the success of Ragstock, we have seen we still love to use and embrace old stuff. And by embracing this revitalizing old trend, you may even have some good food and good fun.