Tetmeyer: Fox News and CNN to meet in the octagon

Columnist Grant Tetmeyer pokes fun at the recurring brawls between CNN and Fox News. 

Grant Tetmeyer

Editor’s Note: The following column is a satire piece. 

The day has finally arrived, dear friends. The moment that we have all been waiting for has finally come. Twenty-four-hour news networks CNN and Fox News, who regularly take shots at each other and disguise their feud by “reporting” on each other’s shortcomings in covering the news, have finally decided to settle their differences inside the octagon. UFC: Fox vs. CNN is slated to take place Nov. 3 on Fight Island. 

On Sunday, CNN and Fox News anchors and participating fighters signed the contract officially scheduling and sanctioning the fight under the supervision of UFC President Dana White. Fights on the card include: Wolf Blitzer vs. Chris Wallace, Chris Cuomo vs. Tucker Carlson, Brianna Keilar vs. Laura Ingraham and Zain Asher vs. Ainsley Earhardt. But probably the most exciting is the two co-main events. These fights will see CNN’s Dana Bash face off against Fox News’ Shannon Bream as well as Anderson Cooper vs. Sean Hannity in two five-round, no-holds-barred matches. There are still some spots to be filled, but it is expected to be filled by at least Jake Paul vs. Logan Paul as well as other celebrity fights. 

Even with some spots still yet to be filled, the card so far promises to be entertaining and profitable for all involved. But more than anything, it will give the millions of Americans that have been subjected to their personal, highly unprofessional feud a reprieve from their usual hateful rhetoric toward each other.

Instead, it will be replaced, for one night only, by a night of government-sanctioned violence with the best-betting odds ever seen. Not only can you bet on the fights, but the number of prop bets and the profit lines on them would make a professional gambler blush.

For those unaware, a prop bet is a bet that doesn’t concern the direct outcome of the event. Some of the more ludicrous bets include: The Cuomo brothers argue over who Mom loves more during Chris’ fight, Tucker Carlson blames liberals if he loses, Jake Tapper stares condescendingly at the camera and Sean Hannity wears trucks saying “Fake News” on them. All of these have at least a $10,000 payout if they occur. 

Now, some of you may wonder why this is happening at all. Having “news” personalities fighting each other inside an octagon lined with steel cage walls seems like a waste of time and resources. But I pose this to you, dear reader: What isn’t for these two? Trying to report on news 24 hours a day means anything can be newsworthy, whether or not it is actually worth the time and man hours. And really, who in their right mind has the time for that?