Tetmeyer: We need to harness the clairvoyance of The Simpsons

Satire columnist Grant Tetmeyer demands we harness the power of The Simpsons’ clairvoyant talents. 

Grant Tetmeyer

Editor’s Note: The following column is a satire piece. 

The time has finally come, my friends. The Simpsons have shown time after time that their 32-year-old animated sitcom and its writing team have the ability to predict and, even possibly, set the future. The time has finally come for politicians and citizens to ask themselves two very important questions: 1) Can we harness this mystical power? and 2) If we can, who will synthesize it first? 

Some may see this as an extreme assessment of the abilities that this beloved animated family has to accurately predict the future. But there have been multiple cases where the Simpsons predicted life events with eerie accuracy.

In the 1993 episode “$pringfield,” a white tiger turns on its two magicians working. Ten years later, Roy Horn (of the magic duo Siegfried and Roy) was attacked by their white tiger Montecore.

In 1998, the Simpsons predicted their own future home during the episode “When You Dish Upon a Star,” where they show 20th Century Fox as a property of Disney, 21 years before the deal was done.

In the same year, the Simpsons became a scientific pioneer with the episode “The Wizard of Evergreen Terrace.” In this episode, Homer is working on a whiteboard with an equation proving the Higgs Boson mass theory. When worked out by physicist/author Dr. Simon Singh, you get “the mass of a Higgs Boson that’s only a bit larger than the nano-mass of a Higgs Boson actually is.” The theory was “officially” proven in 2012. 

And, of course, the Simpsons have had their hand in predicting 2020.

The 1993 episode “Marge in Chains,” a strain of the flu from China infects Springfield and the ensuing chaos demands for a cure, securing an angry mob accidentally releasing a swarm of killer bees.

The 2000 episode “Bart to the Future” not only predicted Trump’s presidency and the economic ruin that it would bring upon the country but should also be credited for predicting Vice President Kamala Harris’ inaugural outfit. In this episode, Bart is enlightened with a vision 30 years in the future, where Lisa has just become “America’s first straight female president.” She is also wearing an outfit that is incredibly similar to Harris’ ensemble, save for a non-matching undershirt and the addition of pants.

Some scholars have disputed this claim, saying it is a mere coincidence that the outfits are similar, but many agree that it may be alluding to a Harris presidency. With her and Joe Biden ousting Donald Trump and Mike Pence, we may very well see Harris as our first female president.

As you can clearly see, dear reader, the Simpsons have proven time and time again that they are America’s modern day Delphian oracle. Once it is universally accepted and recognized, we can focus on how to utilize this power for good and to prevent it from falling into the hands of those who would use it for personal gain — or, God forbid, use it to harm other people. 

The United States has been able to maintain some control of the digital diviner through the control of its distribution (since both 20th Century Fox and Disney are both American companies). But with larger nations attempting to gain access to secret, sensitive American intelligence, there is no better time to discover what I call “The Simpsons Psychic Accuracy Equation.”

This equation would allow us to measure and predict the accuracy and possibility of each social commentary to be manifested into a real-life event that may have serious consequences on our daily lives, such as a deadly respiratory virus or an over-tanned, retired scammer finding his way into a great seat of power. 

I predict that with our best psychologists, historians, psychics, theoretical physicists and fortune tellers, we could crack this code in a matter of years. We may even get it sooner if the CIA’s UFO files prove valuable in our quest. Though we do have an edge over other countries working on this since the U.S. houses these prophets within its borders. But cyber attacks from other countries have shown that our enemies can get access to some of the country’s most valuable information. We must start on this research immediately so that we can use this equation and technology to help create a better and safer world. 

And the applications are immense. Much like Leonidas and his 300 Spartans, we could consult the Oracle at Los Angeles to obtain a strategic suicide mission to save face for a few people in fancy chairs. We could consult them for information on who will be president next and possibly stop them from running and doing anymore damage. We could even seek guidance on what we can do for our next great Super Bowl halftime show.

I’m hoping we find out just when we will actually get hover technology, since “Back to the Future” lied (they suggested 2015). I have a bad eye for potholes and can’t keep buying new tires. 

But one thing’s for sure, my friends: we must always appreciate that team of underpaid profits that gives us the future through a cartoon family and hope we may soon be able to more accurately decipher their invaluable information.