Humor: 10 gambling tips for March Madness



March Madness is right around the corner and it’s time to break your wallets out and start gambling on your peers.

Omar Waheed

1. What vibes are they giving off?

Don’t leave it to something like skill and how well they have been doing this season, what kind of vibes are they giving off? Do you feel winning vibes from your team?

2. Are their uniforms cute?

The other team’s uniform is outdated and does not even match the color scheme of the stadium. Don’t place your money on a bunch of losers who don’t know how to coordinate colors.

3. Bet on where you’re from

Do you come from the great state of Wisconsin too? The choice is easy. Wisconsin babyyyyyy.

4. Learn to count cards

Wrong form of betting but it can’t hurt to learn.

5. The Knicks will win eventually

Not only is this not the NBA, but they also won’t, and I’ve lost an amount of money that would make the average college student sick to their stomach.

6. Bribe a player to take a dive

You know how you’ll definitely get a perfect bracket? Rigging a network of players across each university in the tournament to purposely play bad.

7. Steal the money to bet

Eliminate the overhead risk on yourself and open a line of credit under your least favorite relative then take out a large cash advance to bet. If you win, they will forgive you.

8. Make a ritual sacrifice to Fortuna, the Roman god of luck

Find the nearest cow and place it on the ritual alter as you offer its life for Wisconsin to bring it all home.

9. Create a complicated sports betting algorithm based on past performances of teams and run multiple simulations to predict the outcome

Only if you have the time.

10. Pray to God

You placed your rent money up because you were absolutely sure that your team would win and now it looks like they won’t. Like all other times your life has been going bad, turn your attention to God and pray that the everyone one on the other team miraculously gets injured in a freak accident. Make some ridiculous promise like “God if they win I will never bet again,” and then immediately shrill on that promise and bet on the next game because you outsmarted a god.